


A Balanced Meal

by labyrinthineRetribution



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Blind Character, Blood, Earth C (Homestuck), Eating, F/F, Food, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Meta, Mild Gore, Murder, Not Canon Compliant, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, POV Multiple, Resurrection, Temporary Character Death, The Homestuck Epilogues, Trauma, Vomiting, besides tz and sol, well kind of its a whole thing that becomes clearer later
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-18
Updated: 2020-05-29
Packaged: 2020-07-08 01:08:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 19,296
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19861048
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/labyrinthineRetribution/pseuds/labyrinthineRetribution
Summary: The epilogues were just...real bad. This is me blatantly ignoring canon and substituting my own.





	1. A Seer and An Heir

**Author's Note:**

> this is all completely for me, the fact others might like it is just a bonus.

Rose opens her eyes and looks at you, but she says nothing. Just looks.  
  
JOHN: i’m not scared, if that’s what you’re worried about.

JOHN: you already said we’re going to defeat him. so, nothing to fret over, right?

ROSE: Yes. You...

Something flickers through her eyes, almost too quick to catch. When she smiles at you, it’s warm and sincere.  
  
ROSE: You’re going to do great.

Rose slides her arms around you. After a while, she releases you from the embrace and gets up to fetch her bottle of pills. She pauses at the bedroom door to look at you one more time.  
  
ROSE: Goodbye, John.

She closes the door behind her.

> LOOK AT THE LETTER.

Your run your thumbs along the edge of the paper. Is this really it? One hug from Rose and you’re off to face your destiny? The instructions in the letter are clear, but you aren’t sure precisely what to do next. Inertia and indecision keep your feet planted firmly on the carpet.

Then, as if directly answering your quandary, your phone buzzes in your pocket. It’s a text from Roxy.

> READ TEXT.

It sounds important. You get up to go without even thinking about it. You exit through the sliding glass door and leave it open behind you.

> BE THE ASCENDING GOD.

You are now the dying god, more commonly known as Rose. Pain echos through your fragile body like an empty scream, swelling to an anguished cry to rival the Outer Gods themselves once it reaches your skull. Your vision swims in and out of focus, flashes of light behind your eyes clash with flashes of visions behind your brain. Not to be a drama queen or anything, but this is some bullshit. You stumble over to the bathroom and-

Yep. That’s vomit. Just, all over your shirt. Excellent, this is exactly the way you wanted to die, your wife finding your day old corpse covered in dried soup and pre-digested pain medication.

Oh fuck, Kanaya. You wonder if you have time to leave a note.

It’s getting hard to breathe. You should really just chillax and die with some form of dignity. You’d think you’d be accustomed to the sweet embrace of death at this point, but obviously your nervous system decided absolutely fuck you over one last time for good measure. You crumple next to the toilet and shut your eyes. Your world goes dark. And just like that, they’re open again. 

> SEER: SUDDENLY UNDERSTAND EVERYTHING.

No, these aren’t _your_ eyes. But you suddenly understand everything.

ROSE: Oh, what in the fresh *fuck*.

>GET OFF YOUR DYING ASS AND MAKE SOME CALLS.

Oh, this is some bullshit. It’s kind of hard to make out specifics in between the bright ass flashing and the throbbing headache threatening to spill what’s left of your lunch, but if what you think is happening _is_ happening, it better not be. You force yourself to stand, and, oh yeah, that shit ain’t gonna last. Somehow you make it back to your kitchenette and swipe your phone off the counter before your ass is lovingly reunited with the floor.  
  
ROSE: John.

ROSE: John, I am completely aware that the last time we spoke, by my count at least nine minutes ago, I sent you on a final quest and you saw me off to what we both assumed would be my deathbed.

ROSE: Well, that was a crock of shit.

ROSE: Please disregard literally every word out of my mouth.

ROSE: It’s all *bullshit*.

ROSE: The whole Final Battle, the idea of your Ultimate Self?

ROSE: It is all complete and utter fucking rubbish.

ROSE: And I know exactly who’s been pulling the strings on this particular operation, a pun which I am sure will become clear to you many years into the future, perhaps whilst making a midnight snack. You’ll smack your forehead so hard it knocks you glasses from your skull and onto the floor, breaking them. And I know exactly who to blame for this particular hypothetical scenario I just pulled from my ass.

ROSE: John, are you reading this?

ROSE: Not only is this some top tier material you are missing out on, now is not a particularly good time to pull some coy, plot-driven, exposition cock-block.

ROSE: John, please. 

ROSE: I need something from, but I have to make absolutely certain that you are getting this.

ROSE: John?

John, unfortunately, was getting absolutely none of this, as his phone was in his back pocket, completely spaced out thanks to years of habit he had built up in ignoring his friends messages. That completely thickheaded dunderfuck. What the hell was he up to again?

>MEET ROXY AND CALLIOPE FOR A NICE DAY OUT BEFORE MAKING A DECISION THAT COULD NOT ONLY RIP THE FABRIC OF SPACE-TIME, BET SET THE WHOLE DAMN THING ABLAZE.

...  
  
ROXY: john u ok?

JOHN: ...

ROXY: looked like you were gonna pass out there for a second

Suddenly, Calliope bolts upright.  
  
CALLIOPE: of coUrse! what was i thinking.

CALLIOPE: this decision is far too important to be made on an empty stomach.

She fetches the picnic basket, which naturally has been sitting there on the tablecloth since the moment you arrived.  
  
CALLIOPE: here, before yoU choose which path yoU’re going to take, yoU shoUld decide what yoU’d like to eat!

CALLIOPE: i have packed a wide variety of provisions. easily enoUgh to satisfy even the most ravenoUs picnic-goer’s appetite.

CALLIOPE: behold, an array of savory delights for the carnally inclined.

CALLIOPE: or perhaps something for yoUr sweet tooth, if a lUst for treats is what stokes yoUr desire?

Calliope produces two dishes from the basket and begins gingerly unwrapping them. The unwrapping is so ginger, in fact, that there’s something almost dramatic about it. Like the opening theme to that boring sci-fi movie with the monolith and the bone-throwing monkeys should be playing as she peels away the cheesecloth.

On one plate is a pile of meat: rare, almost bleeding cuts from animals you can’t identify. The other plate holds a generous heap of colorful, exotic-looking candy. You scoot to the side and peek into the basket to see if there’s anything else. There’s a book in there, but no more food. This is all there is.

> CONTEMPLATE YOUR LUNCH.

You put a finger to your lips and focus on the food with great intensity. You stop fretting about choices, and heartbreak, and eternity, and Lord English. Your entire world narrows to a single point of light as you are utterly consumed by the overbearing decision about which of these absurd meals to have for lunch.

> MEAT OR CANDY?

You considered the offered goods for much longer than you would like to admit. Each option has its own considerable upsides as well as downsides. To make a choice would open up a world of possibilities, for not only you, but for everyone around you. Who are you, to bestow upon yourself the honor of picking meat OR candy? Both are worthy contenders, moreover, both deserve better than your inadequate digestive system. Seriously, you have no clue what’s going on down there, and at this point, you’re a little afraid to find out. 

Oh shit. Roxy and Calliope are staring now. How long have you been here? Have they just been watching you slowly descend into madness over a lunch option? Who the hell only brings raw meat or hard candy on a picnic? There isn’t even anything to drink. What type of a picnic doesn’t even have lemonade? A piss-poor excuse for one, that could hardly even be considered a proper picnic!

As you weigh your options, what originally seemed like exotic but perfectly harmless choices begin to twist in your mind. The candy, initially appearing as the lighter and sweeter of the two options, seems to rot in front of your very eyes. The bright outer shell grows dull and sticky, and, holy shit, are those flies? You tear your eyes away from the confections, but the protein fairs no better this late in the game. It is gamey and grey. Blood oozes from all sides as it shrivels up and decays. Is this what a panic attack feels like? Who the hell could make a decision like this. WHO THE HELL COULD EVEN THINK WITH THAT GOD AWFUL MUSIC PLAYING?  
  
ROXY: er john

ROXY: EARTH 2 JOHNNY BOY CAN U HEAR ME

ROXY: damn

ROXY: dude is fuckin OUT of it

ROXY: our main man is down 4 the count

ROXY: such a shame 2 such a promisin boxin career fuckin le SIGN

ROXY: ok all jokes aside should we like

ROXY: call someone??

ROXY: im no brain scientist but his seems

ROXY: broken :/

CALLIOPE: im not sUre!

CALLIOPE: do humans do this sort of thing qUite often?

ROXY: uhhh not that i know of 

ROXY: maybe i could just 

ROXY: sorta

> REACH FOR JOHN.  
  
JOHN’S PDA: IF THERE’S SOMETHING STRANGE IN YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD  
WHO YOU GONNA CALL? (GHOSTBUSTERS)  
IF THERE’S SOMETHING WEIRD  
AND IT DON’T LOOK GOOD  
WHO YOU GONNA CALL? (GHOSTBUSTERS)

ROXY: HOPY SHIT!!  
  
CALLIOPE: goodness!

JOHN: oh fuck!

>ANSWER PDA.  
  
JOHN: uh, hello?

ROSE: John, what exactly are you doing right now?

JOHN: ROSE?? Oh geez, are you ok?

JOHN: you didn’t look too hot the last time we spoke, i just-

ROSE: John, I am going to ask a series of favors from you now.

ROSE: The first thing I need you to do is listen to my voice. Yes, that’s it, really soak it up. Do you have it in your head now? Please listen closely, as the next step is absolutely crucial to everything following it

ROSE: I need you to imagine my face in combination with my voice. Can you tell what sentiment I’m trying to convey, John? Can you decipher that I am absolutely not in the fucking mood right now? 

JOHN: you seem a little upset.

ROSE: Astute observations, as always Egbert.

ROSE: You remain as sharp as a tack. Maybe a little bent at the end, though.

JOHN: wait, what’s happening with YOU though!

JOHN: i thought your problems disorder was like, really serious! life threatening, even!

ROSE: Problems Disorder? 

ROSE: Good Lord, as much as I would love to be the instigator of you verbal ruination, let me reiterate that we do not have the fucking time, a detail that I have outlined to you in a series of messages that you have so lovingly ignored. Listen to my words carefully, John. This may be the most important thing you do.

JOHN: but i still haven’t made my choice!

ROSE: Then let me make this simple.

ROSE: Your choice does not matter. It never has and it never will. If anything, both choices have already been made for you in their own little pockets of existence.

ROSE: But right now, I am calling the shots, and no one else.

ROSE: The shit is fucked, John. It’s gone completely fucking sideways in ways that haven’t even begun. I’ve seen it, and I intended to stop it, whether he likes it or not.

JOHN: wait, am i supposed to know who ‘he’ is?

ROSE: At this moment, no.

ROSE: Meet me at Dirk’s ASAP. I’m planning a reunion of sorts.

ROSE: Also, please get something real to eat. Candy and meat at this time of day is just abhorrent. You’ll ruin your appetite.

>ATTEMPT TO UNDERSTAND WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED.

You fail miserably at your attempt to understand what the hell just happened. Is Rose even in her right mind? What happened to all the earth shattering plot stuff?  
  
ROXY: ...

ROXY: uh 

ROXY: is everything ok dude?

ROXY: you kind spaced out there for a sec

ROXY: you good?

JOHN: hm?

JOHN: uh, yeah... i GUESS.

JOHN: i mean, there’s something serious going on with rose. Well, at least i think there is... 

JOHN: she sounded pretty pissed to be completely honest with you!

ROXY: oh noooooo :( 

ROXY: i KNEW there was something up UGH

ROXY: well what did she say???

JOHN: well, she... hm.

JOHN: she uh... 

JOHN: i think i have to go

ROXY: wait what??

CALLIOPE: well, before yoU go love, could yoU at least reconsider oUr offer?

JOHN: ... 

JOHN: i... don’t think it really matters?

JOHN: i’m not that hungry!

> RIDE LIKE THE WIND.

And just like that, you’re off like a prize winning track horse in the most important race of his life. The breeze is in your face and the wind rushes past your ears as you leave the Carapace Kingdom far behind you, and with it, Calliope and Roxy’s stunned faces. You feel… freer? Grounded? Some combination of the two? Like you could pick any path, and with that path is a specific direction. You know what you need to do. Well, at least you do for the next half hour. And that starts with helping Rose, you guess.

Speaking of, you hope that flighty broad is ok… 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OK THANK YOU FOR READING! ive never done something like this before so please bear with me and feel free to give me any advice you may have. i would like you to think of this less as a story and more of like a loosely connected anthology if that makes sense? characters and plots may align but for the most part characters are doing their own thing. have a great day yall!


	2. The Seer and A Prince

>THROW YOURSELF OUT THE WINDOW.

Ok, you aren’t going to do that. Weird train of thought there. What you are going to do is climb out onto the balcony and throw yourself off it. Like, a safe, consual toss, because you can fly. Granted, exerting effort to fly as of this moment is in fact a terrible fucking idea, as the only thing keeping you from collapsing is sheer willpower coupled with a healthy amount of fury. It's the kind that makes your skin prickle and your head throb, but that may also be your organs shutting down. The blindness isn't helping much either.

Your senses have completely succumbed to the visions at this point. The flash right behind your eyes like a powerpoint of someone's shitty Hawaii vacation put on 8x speed. Nobody cares about the gift shop, Carol. You unsteadily make your way towards the Consort Kingdom, every organ threatening critical failure if you don’t sit your ass done and resume dying the easy way. Well fuck that noise, your ungrateful vitals and innards are just going to have to wait like the rest of us.

The kingdom comes into view before you-or rather, it would have if you could  _ fucking see anything.  _ Dirk lived on the outskirts of town-partly because of his discomfort with big ass crowds of people due to years of isolation-but mostly because the neighbors complained about the loud metal clanking and unpredictable explosions that seemed to emit from his abode at set intervals. One of the aforementioned explosions seemed to be going on when you landed on his yard. His complex trembles slightly before you, as if anticipating the hellfire you’re about to rain down on this shit show.

> ASCEND.

You open the front door, taking note of its unusually unlocked status, and mount the steps leading to his actual front door. Jesus, who builds a house like this? It’d just be simpler to live in an actual apartment complex if you had to go through all this.

> ENTER THE SHITTY APARTMENT.

You firmly grab the doorknob and turn, slowly creaking open the entrance and step inside.

It’s a goddamn warzone, and you don’t think Timmy shimmied his ass out in time.

One the best of days, Dirk might be what one described as ‘a hoarder’. On the not-so-best of days, he might be more accurately described as ‘a psychiatrist’s waking nightmare’. The floor is covered wall-to-wall in various tools, scrap metals, machinery-basically anything that clangs if you kick it. The innards of assorted puppet projects are strewn about, as if some sort of puppet snuff film had recently taken place on these hallowed grounds. The insurmountable stench of futility wafts throughout the space and mixes with the piles of microwavable food containers and various radioactive substances. You are unable to tell if the stains on the floor are coffee or blood, but at this point, they may just be one in the same.

You hear shuffling from behind you and turn to lock eyes with your ectobiological father, who was nearly at the same level of looking like a shambling pile of shit as you, short of the puke encrusted top you now sported. He looked tired, hollow. He looked melancholic, bitter.

> LET DIRK EXPLAIN HIMSELF.  
  
TT: DIRK: Ah. Rose.

TT: DIRK: I was wondering when-

And that’s all she wrote before Dirk was dealing with a completely different problem, otherwise known as the giant beam of light emerging from Rose’s wand ripping its way through his torso.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bit of a shorter chapter but who cares am i right


	3. Two Knights and A Sliver of A Witch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yall want some dubious davekat? here fuckin take it

DAVE: hey fucknuts check this out

It was a typical mid-morning in the Troll Kingdom. The flowers were blooming and birds were screaming at the top of their little lungs to attract their respective mates. The streets were bustling with activity, trolls scuttling to work or school or whatever trolls did in their spare time. The sun was relentlessly cheery, almost deliriously so. This shit was downright picturesque, you could not bullshit the level of serenity going on.

It was also a very typical morning in the Strider/Vantas/somewhat-Harley household. The curtains were drawn, the lights were out. The only noise emitted from the TV in the form of shitty daytime programming; you know: your soap operas, your law shows, your talk shows consisting of ladies sipping tea and talking mad shit about their exes. Karkat was hunkering down in his room, hunched over his desk, in the dark, annotating several copies of the same book for future reference. He lets out a grunt of indignation and wipes his brow. The little fan in his room ain’t doing shit.   
  
DAVE: dude you in there

DAVE: wait what the fuck am i talking about of course youre in there

DAVE: itd be more surprising if you werent in there

DAVE: like HOLY SHIT STOP THE PRESSES

DAVE: local jackass stops jacking off to his own sadness for five fucking minutes and actually walks to the thai place down the street instead of ordering delivery

DAVE: back to you janet

DAVE: oh shit scratch that janets ass up in a pile of her own blood from this mind blowing development

DAVE: an innocent reporter is sleeping with the fishes and its all your fault dude

DAVE: wait

DAVE: goddammit shed be an anchorman not a reporter

DAVE: anchorwoman?

DAVE: what are the logistics on this shit

KARKAT: WHAT IN THE EVERLOVING *FUCK* ARE YOU MUMBLING ABOUT? 

KARKAT: YOU KNOW I CAN’T HEAR YOU RIGHT?

KARKAT: YOU ARE QUITE LITERALLY TALKING TO A GODDAMN DOOR.

DAVE: haha oh right

DAVE: then open this door bro

DAVE: lets metaphorically close this gap and literally open it so i can get up in your business

KARKAT: WHAT??

DAVE: OPEN THE MOTHERFUCKING DOOR SO WE CAN GET THIS SHIT ROLLING

KARKAT: OH.

> Open the motherfucking door so we can get this shit rolling.

The Oedipal door is opened and the proverbial ball of excrement is set right on a course to fuck the most shit up.  
  
DAVE: you know jane right

KARKAT: I KNOW OF HER.

DAVE: so youve heard the bullshit 

Karkat crosses his arms and raises an eyebrow.  
  
KARKAT: DAVE, IF YOU REALLY HAVE AN EXPECTATION OF ME TO KEEP TABS ON *JANE FUCKING CROCKER* OF ALL PEOPLE, ONE OF US CLEARLY NEEDS TO SHAPE OUR SHIT UP AND GET A LIFE.

DAVE: dude how the fuck am i supposed to know what youre aware of 

DAVE: you spend like ninety percent of your time in your dark ass room like some sort of

DAVE: idk

DAVE: fuckin sad little hermit

DAVE: holy shit youre a fucking hermit crab

DAVE: ive connected the dots dude

KARKAT: YOU DIDN’T CONNECT SHIT!

DAVE: im right and i should say it

DAVE: anyway where the fuck was i

DAVE: oh right you dont leave your room except to steal food at three in the goddamned morning and as a natural consequence you are missing out on the best possible thing that could have happened in this universe or any other

Dave can barely contain his smirk as he holds up his phone for Karkat to read and looks expectantly at his face. It takes a few moments for Karkat to understand what he’s reading, but once it sets in, his face is downright apoplectic.  
  
KARKAT: DAVE, PLEASE TELL ME THIS IS A JOKE.

KARKAT: BECAUSE NEWSFLASH DICKWAD, THIS SHIT ISN’T FUNNY.

KARKAT: JESUS CHRIST, I THINK I NEED TO SIT DOWN?

KARKAT: WHAT DOES A STROKE FEEL LIKE?? IS THIS A STROKE? BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE THAT’S THE ONLY WAY MY BRAIN COULD *EVER* CONCEIVABLY RATIONALIZE WHAT’S ON THAT FUCKING SCREEN.

DAVE: oh hell yes 

DAVE: this is happening

DAVE: jake english is running for president

That’s right folks you heard it here first. Illuminated on Dave’s screen is what could only be described as a colorblind man’s approximation of a campaign poster drawn using only a trackpad. It was beyond shitty. The ass, oh how it twitched and gyrated upon a neon background of bright fucking fuschia. This is the sort of thing that should never be allowed to see the light of day. Not because it’s terrible and may cause permanent trauma to women and young children, and rest assured that it would; but because it was fucking brilliant. This is what the people want, apparently. A whole effulgent clusterfuck of colors in the general shape of coherent content. Sure, there might be something there, buried under layer upon layer of raw, unfiltered shit, but by the time you get to it, it means nothing. Decency and democracy cannot stand for what’s been unleashed.  
  
DAVE: ok im exaggerating a little bit i just wanted to see the fucking look on your face and god was that shit worth it

DAVE: but just to be 100 percent clear here i am fucking with you 

DAVE: god could you even imagine the aftermath of some shit like that its down right preposterous not to mention redundant

DAVE: i made this poster in like ten minutes using a goddamn trackpad

DAVE: but for real tho jane did just call me earlier and monopolize my time for several minutes which obviously means shes desperate bc dirk is mia as FUCK and jake is 

DAVE: well jake is jake

DAVE: but im pretty goddamn certain that conversation took actual years off my life and according to my excellent deduction skills and jane basically spelling the whole thing out for me on a fucking childrens alphabet laptop shes ‘considering’ getting grandpa english involved in politics which is code for “i need my boy toy to do my bidding” 

DAVE: so we both understand that jane has her gnarled fingers all over this shit right

DAVE: also im lumping dirk in as well because

DAVE: well lately the dudes just been straight shady as fuck but then again sometimes hes just like that

DAVE: like its always either him or crocker its kind of comical at this point

DAVE: like im actually feeling lightheaded and i cant tell if its from the laughing or the tears

DAVE: ngl i probably broke a fucking rib think i can sue?

KARKAT: DAVE. WHY IN THE JUNGLEHUMPING ALMIGHTY SHIT WOULD YOU SPEND TIME ON SOMETHING AS MINDBOGGLING ASININE AS THIS?

DAVE: oh this?

DAVE: this is just an incredibly sexy and not at all awkward segue into me tricking you talking about politics ive almost missed my quota for this week you know

DAVE: which is strange considering there is literally nothing else to talk about these days

DAVE: ive now moved into the ‘political conspiracy theories’ which has been a goddamn racket

DAVE: i now present to you my thesis ‘jake sold out and thats why no one sees him anymore’

DAVE: i have infographics and everything dude its borderline legit

DAVE: personally im thinking sex dungeon situation but i would love to hear your thoughts especially if your thoughts happen to be about how fucking right i am

KARKAT: YOU FUCKING UNDERSTAND ENGLISH IS A *MORON*, CORRECT? I’VE BARELY BEEN IN THE SAME ROOM WITH THE GUY FOR OVER AN HOUR AND BY THE 15 MINUTE MARK, I’M REACHING FOR THE FUCKING BLEACH.

DAVE: dude you dont get it

DAVE: thats not how politics work jesus 

DAVE: the person running for president isnt *actually* president

DAVE: its like

DAVE: a logo for a company 

DAVE: ok lets just say for example theres this innocent looking baking company with a nice old grandmotherly woman smiling down at you from the window like the vibe is cozy as SHIT

DAVE: then one day the bakery starts to expand

DAVE: first around the city, then they start popping up all over the country like a sugar filled zit

KARKAT: EW.

DAVE: stfu 

DAVE: they start going international, expand the brand to more than just cookies and cakes, the quality goes downhill but its still the same right? 

DAVE: assflash newshole: its the year 3000 and grandma is watching you big brother style via the big ass government mandated poster hanging up in your shitty dystopian bachelor pad

KARKAT: DAVE I AM AWARE OF HOW PROPAGANDA WORKS.

KARKAT: YOU *LITERALLY* JUST DESCRIBED THE BATTERWITCH RISE TO POWER ON YOUR OWN FUCKING PLANET!

DAVE: see now your gettin it

DAVE: jake is the grandma in this scenario btdubs

KARKAT: YEAH I FUCKING GOT THAT.

DAVE: ok cool

DAVE: the point is that i dont get why jane would need jake as much has she has accidentally led me to believe 

DAVE: she isnt the type of person to let other people do her work for her

DAVE: well, save for the several THOUSAND underpaid carapacians and consorts she has working in what are basically sweatshops for her bullshit neo-conservatism proto-fascist-

KARKAT: DAVE!

DAVE: anyway, *we* both understand that jake is virtually incapable, mentally or emotionally, of running a fucking anime club, let alone an entire motherfucking planet, but i digress because once again, thats not the goal

KARKAT: OH MY LORD. 

KARKAT: CONGRATU-FUCKING-LATIONS STRIDER. YOU’VE MANAGED TO ONCE AGAIN TO ROPE ME INTO ONE OF YOUR ELABORATE ‘WE SHOULD TELL JANE TO SUCK OUR BULGES AND SEIZE THE MEANS OF PRODUCTIONS’ RANTS. 

KARKAT: LIKE, AHAHAHA WE GET IT! YOU HAVE AN ISSUE WITH THE SHIT INFESTED GOVERNMENT! SO DOES LIKE, EVERY SON OF A BITCH ON THE PLANET WHO ISN’T TOO BUSY GROPING THEIR VARIOUS EROGENOUS ZONES TO, AT THE VERY LEAST, GET A FUCKING GRIP ON THEIR MENTAL FACULTIES. 

KARKAT: COULD YOU DO EVERYONE A FAVOR AND JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT IT FOR A SINGLE GODDAMN SECOND!!!

Dave looks taken aback and shuts his mouth. Karkat looks exhausted but softens his expression.  
  
KARKAT: OK, I'LL ADMIT, I TOOK IT A BIT TOO FAR THERE.

DAVE: you really think?

KARKAT: EAT SHIT, I’M BEING SINCERE HERE.

KARKAT: LIKE, I’M NOT *TRYING* TO BE PISSY HERE, IT’S JUST THAT RECENT DISCUSSIONS HAVE SOMEHOW ALWAYS BROUGHT US BACK TO THIS

KARKAT: AND I KNOW THIS MIGHT BE HARD FOR YOU TO GET, BUT I REALLY COULD NOT GIVE LESS OF A SHIT ABOUT YOUR ABSURD BEEF WITH JANE.

KARKAT: I MEAN DO *YOU* EVEN KNOW WHY YOU CARE SO MUCH?

At this inquiry, Dave stares at the floor and fiddles with the drawstring his sweatpants.  
  
DAVE: i mean

DAVE: not TECHNICALLY

DAVE: my interest isnt purely because of janes influence 

DAVE: its always been something i cared about on some level... i guess? 

DAVE: i mean youre talking to the guy who controlled an entire planets stock market with the help of a possibly psychotic blind chick

KARKAT: I THOUGHT YOU DID THAT BECAUSE YOU ‘HAD TO’ BECAUSE OF ’’’TIME SHENANIGANS’’’’’ OR WHATEVER CRACKHEADED EXCUSE SKAIA COOKED UP.

DAVE: well yeah duh 

DAVE: but it was like kinda fun?? i guess? 

DAVE: swindling some crocs outta their hard earned boons like some sorta fucked up modern day scrooge with much better taste in clothes 

DAVE: idk man its just...something to do i guess

DAVE: i mean do you remember the last time we had something to focus on? like at all? weve just been dicking around here for the past few years and watching reruns of family matters

DAVE: guess john had the right idea after all

There are a tense few seconds where the room is silent. Karkat looks at Dave and goes to open his mouth. Before he can get out what was most likely a heartfelt speech about being best friends or some shit, the front door opens and a chipper voice can be heard.  
  
JADE: hello boys!! guess who bought some powdered donuts :D!!!

DAVE: was it you

JADE: it was meeeeee! 

The sound of thumping gets louder very quickly as Jade bounds up the stairs, a burlap purse covered in space themed buttons slung over her shoulder with a pale pink pastry box nestled in her arms. She thrust the box into Karkat’s hands and looks expectantly at them. Her glasses glint as her eyes dart from Strider to Vantas, and she quickly picks up on the tension in the room. She narrows her eyes and faces Dave.  
  
JADE: dave have you been drawing dicks on the refrigerator again?

DAVE: what? no 

DAVE: god what a bold faced accusation

DAVE: in my own goddamned house

DAVE: grumble rumble these millennials

KARKAT: DID YOU JUST FUCKING SAY THE WORD ‘GRUMBLE’ OUT LOUD, YOU HORSE’S ASS?

DAVE: what of it  
  
JADE: so should i take the dick thing as a yes or... 

DAVE: no  
  
KARKAT: YES, BUT THAT’S NOT THE REASON WE’RE STANDING HERE LIKE TWO BRAINDEAD FUCKWAGONS.

JADE: snort

JADE: well, awkward interludes notwithstanding, were still on for tonight right?  
  
DAVE: ah

DAVE: right that thing

DAVE: that i apparently agreed to

DAVE: like i am all over that shizz you totally didnt throw me for a fuckin loop there or anything

DAVE: got it all covered like some special sauce on a warm and juicy weiner

JADE: dave!!! 

DAVE: wow that absolutely did not come out the way i wanted to let me try again  
  
KARKAT: JESUS CHRIST ON A TWO WHEELED DEVICE, HE FUCKING FORGOT JADE. STRIDER, IT’S MOVIE NIGHT YOU WORTHLESS CARPET STAIN.

KARKAT: MAYBE INSTEAD OF RELYING ON YOUR IMPECCABLE MEMORY, WHICH FROM MY OBSERVATIONS IS PRETTY DAMN PECCABLE, YOU COULD DROP YOUR EGO A FEW  FUCKING STORIES AND USE THE PLANNER THAT I SPENT *MY* TIME SETTING UP FOR THIS EXACT FUCKING THING.

DAVE: ok first of all hot shot you put a calendar on the fridge with a fucking magnet 

DAVE: secondly is peccable even a word

DAVE: cause that shit sounds fake as all get out

DAVE: maybe i could whip it out during scrabble and finally dethrone rose

JADE: ok i have no idea where this conversation went but!

JADE: its movie night, the theme is ‘movies that did not do their books justice’

JADE: i picked hitchhikers guide, stuart little, and percy jackson

JADE: karkat also picked some movies but im pretty sure their titles are longer than the movie itself :/

KARKAT: HEY!

JADE: im right and i should say it!  
  
DAVE: ah ok cool i can work with that shit 

Jade plucks a donut from the box and takes a satisfying chomp out of it, leaving a trail of powdered down the front of her shirt. The sound of terrible 90’s R&B filled the room, the sound seemingly originating from Dave’s hand.  
  
DAVE: hold up a sec

DAVE: someones calling me

JADE: who is it?

DAVE: uh

DAVE: its dirk

>ANSWER PHONE.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> have i mentioned how much formatting pesterlogs sucks


	4. The Knight and A Maid Discuss Absolutely Nothing of Importance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> jane was done dirty but like. i can see her being a capitalist. i swear she gets better tho. eventually. enjoy

> ANSWER PHONE.

It was a decently pleasant mid-morning in the Human Kingdom. If one listened closely, you might even hear the faint screams of one Jane Crocker losing her fucking mind.

She feverishly paced across the floor, her sensible red pumps echoing around the halls of her, let’s call it what it is, giant suburban mansion. She had put up with some sizable bullshit in her life, but this little stunt just took the fucking cake and comically slammed it back into her face. 

Not ten minutes ago did she receive a text from Dirk telling her to cancel everything, by which he did mean everything. After asking for any sort of clarification or reason, this basement dwelling weirdo had the audacity to block her. This was beyond insanity, this was a fucking insult to everything she had been working towards for the past few years, which, as a matter of fact, _were all his fucking ideas_. She needed some answers; but more importantly, she needed a goddamn drink.

Several minutes later, Jane sat at her desk, several drinks fuller and a hell of a lot more tired. Her glasses are on the desk, and she will be feeling the backhanded slap of a hangover later this afternoon. She notes that she is still totally annoyed, but stewing in her sadness wasn’t getting anything done. Yeah, who the hell needs that guy anyway? It’s not like she can’t function without him, as well as the fact that he was always breathing down her neck. Jeez, what is his deal? He could take a hike for all she cared. Just because he told her to do something doesn't mean she had to, right?

A comical amount of time passes as Jane makes up her mind. If he said to stop so abruptly, there has to be a reason, right? Then why wouldn’t he tell her? Is he ok? Does she care? Should she care? The pacing has picked up again, the ill-fitting footwear definitely causing some sort of blister that would be addressed at a later date.

Well, technically speaking, there was another Strider she could get in touch with. But that was just-no. She wasn’t going to put herself through that. Hell would have to freeze over first.

> PICK UP THE GODDAMN PHONE AND GET IT OVER WITH.  
  
JANE: Uh, Dave?

JANE: Yoohoo, you there?

DAVE: begone ye foul confectionery temptress!

JANE: Um, excuse me?

DAVE: oh sorry 

DAVE: i just have that exact phrase queued up and ready to go literally anytime when you start talking to me 

DAVE: what do you want

JANE: Dave, please. 

JANE: Could you at least attempt to be more amicable for once? 

DAVE: what the fuck are you talking about

DAVE: im hells of amicable

DAVE: couldnt find a chiller and more reasonable motherfucker on the planet

JANE: Dave please!

JANE: I really don't have the time right now to go through all these mind games with you for the umpteenth time!

JANE: I get it, you don't like me. And I'm not asking you to.

JANE: But I really do need some help right now, and you're the only person I could think to ask, so cut the shit and help me!

DAVE: wow  
  
DAVE: ok um just a heads up

DAVE: when asking for someones help its generally considered kinda shitty to threaten them but i guess ill go fuck myself

JANE: For your information mister, that was not a threat.

JANE: I was just trying to make a point!

DAVE: uh huh

DAVE: ok looping this convo back to something that isnt immeasurably fucking stupid on every level

DAVE: whaddya need

JANE: I was wondering if you could help me ascertain the whereabouts of a certain Dirk Strider.

DAVE: oh god what

DAVE: you know im not his fuckin keeper or whatever

DAVE: I could barely keep track of the guy if we were in the same goddamn room

JANE: But you're brothers! Well, sort of.

JANE: You must have some idea.

DAVE: do you know where john is? 

JANE: Uh-

DAVE: yeah I fuckin thought so 

DAVE: arent you supposed to be some sort of bullshit detective 

DAVE: missing persons shit is right up your alley go have a goddamn blast

JANE: Dave, the days since I donned my last fedora have long since past.

JANE: Besides, I wouldn't say the situation would require that much hubbub.

JANE: It's more of...a personal issue.

DAVE: are you and dirk fucking

JANE: What!?! No!!!

DAVE: im sorry that sentence was just all kinds of fucking cryptic i think its now dating mothman

DAVE: you gotta give me more dude or else youre just gonna get more hot takes straight from the wordsmith himself

DAVE: i got some wild ass assumptions fresh and piping hot right from the goddamn oven and its first come first serve bitch

JANE:... 

JANE: Do you ever think about the words that come out of your mouth, or is it just some sort of verbal piñata?

DAVE: that my dearest crocker would be telling

DAVE: also just a heads up

DAVE: maybe instead of coming to the guy who hasnt spoken to dirk in like four weeks to look for him

DAVE: maybe you could idk

DAVE: call jake

JANE: That is...hm.

JANE: Another situation I'm trying to handle.

JANE: The point is we aren't on direct speaking terms at present. But we will be!

JANE: It's not like he hates me it's just-

JANE: Ugh, why am I even telling you this?

DAVE: you tell me

DAVE: im just along for the ride

DAVE: speaking of which

DAVE: this whole 'my friends are dropping off the face of the earth' thing wouldnt have to do with

DAVE: oh i dont know some sort of bullshit election coming up

JANE: That would be none of your business sir!

DAVE: uh huh

DAVE: just so were on the same page im taking that as a solid hell fucking yes ok?

JANE: Grr, you are impossible.

DAVE: hey while were still dick deep in pillow talk her what in the fuck happened between you and english

JANE: Once again, you seemed to have found yourself parked squarely in the 'nobody asked you' zone.

DAVE: im just going to keep guessing and the first guess is did you two do it

JANE: I'm going to hang up Dave. 

DAVE: you wouldnt do it

DAVE: im irresistible 

DAVE: its one of my many talents

DAVE: included but not limited to busting out deliriously biznasty rhymes at the drop of a beat and the ability to summon a goddamn flock of crows if I stand still for too long

DAVE: seriously im like the motherfucking grim reaper i guess

DAVE: all the spookiest sons of bitches zeroed in on me and went 

DAVE: you wanna know what would be a real fucking riot

DAVE: following that douchebag around

JANE: Well, I've reached my threshold for useless bullshit today!

JANE: Thank you Dave, for doing what you do best.

JANE: Wasting my time.

DAVE: oh no prob

DAVE: but

DAVE: on a serious note 

DAVE: if you really wanna talk to english about your secret government plans or about how nice his ass looks

DAVE: hes probably with gcatav

JANE: Who?

JANE: Oh, right. Is it strange I keep forgetting about him? 

DAVE: no i get it

DAVE: its like he hasnt been mentioned for like three years

DAVE: dude completely slipped my mind but he was like

DAVE: there when we beat the game

DAVE: I think hes like jakes life coach?

DAVE: or his best friend or some shit same diff

JANE: Oh. Well, thank you.

JANE: See? Now that wasn't so hard, was it?

DAVE: i am actively coughing up blood as we speak

DAVE: anyway dont be a stranger i havent even mentioned how you should let your workers unionize 

JANE: Goodbye Dave.

DAVE: viva la revolution

Wow. That was slightly more productive than she thought it would be, though by a very small margin. Time for Jane to swallow her pride and make a housecall. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there is one thing i live for in this world and it is a petty dave.  
> if you like what you see so far tell your friends and your family and your pets and you neighbors and your neighbors pets  
> hope yall have a good day :P


	5. A Rogue and A Muse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sadstuck?? maybe?? does this count??

ROXY: ALRIGHT LITTLE DUDE ONE MO TIME!!

The stereo is blaring, the monitors are running, and the room crackles with electricity fueled by a thousand terrible ideas. Beanbag chairs and mutant cats lie haphazardly across the ground, awaiting the day some poor fool lets down their guard and fucks up their ankle. Posters new games, movies and scientific discoveries are plastered upon the wall, covering any and all available space. What may or may not be a hunk of plutonium is just, kind of on the desk? That can’t be safe. Jumbles of wire and coil criss cross along the floor and straight into a massive power grid on the wall. On the other end of them, lying peacefully on a velvet pillow on the middle of the floor is what looks to be a mechanical cat/rad as fuck skater kid. Half of its metal skeleton it exposed, its sharp coils jutting out at odd angles. Its little hat is placed carefully on its head at a jaunty angle. One eye is slowly blinking a neon purple, the other is currently not in the socket. A low buzzing sound emits from its titanium bowels. 

The buzzing grows louder upon Roxy's request, morphing into a despondent mechanical screech. The tortured sound echos through the lab and quickly becomes what could only be described as a choir of demonic rabbits who have spontaneously found themselves the stars of a snuff film. The sound rattles cabinets and is soon accompanied by the smell of burning metal and a brilliant flash of light. 

The robot lays dead. Its husk now strewn about the lab in flaming chunks of glory. It died as it lived. A dramatic bastard.

Roxy cautiously emerges from behind the heavy iron door she had built leading to a blast room for specifically just this occasion. Yeah, she can't die technically, but that's no reason to throw caution to the wind! Science demands respect, and by god Roxy was gonna give that bitch some respect.

She puts out a little fire that has started on one of her wizard dolls and looks wistfully at the wreckage.

ROXY: ah

ROXY: goddammit

CALLIOPE: roxy? are yoU down there? i've broUght something for yoU!

The unmistakable click-clack of claws on concrete can be heard as Calliope makes her way down to the sub basement. Her little skeletal face is lit up with joy as she approaches Roxy with something clutched behind her back.  
  
CALLIOPE: hello lovely ^U^

CALLIOPE: oh dear! now whats happened down here?

ROXY: splosion

ROXY: haxy-bot v 4.13 has left us in a blaze of fuckin glory and busted ass metal

CALLIOPE: oh no!

ROXY: yeeeeeeah 

ROXY: i think it overheated?? Or somethin? 

ROXY: i need to find a way to make its lil body capable of holding all that raw power yaknow

ROXY: poor dude was just too sexey for this cruel world :'(

CALLIOPE: well that’s no good. bUt i’m sUre if anyone coUld figUre it oUt, it’s yoU! yoU are very clever with these kinds of things.

ROXY: dawwwwww

ROXY: im blushin here dude

CALLIOPE: well it’s trUe.

CALLIOPE: oh! and i’ve finally finished that ‘little something’ for yoU.

> Show Roxy the present.

Calliope extracts her hands from behind her back and holds up a large canvas. It’s a painting of a pink cat doing a kickflip. One of its little paws is doing a ‘radical’ gesture, the other one holding a ray gun. The sun in the far right corner is wearing sunglasses.   
  
CALLIOPE: isn’t it jUst the cUtest! 

ROXY: OH MY GOOOOOOD!!!!

ROXY: I LOVE I LOVE IT

ROXY: <3333333333   


ROXY: every single last fuckin heart  


ROXY: we is outta hearts folks!!!!  


ROXY: gimme gimme 

Roxy quickly plucks the aforementioned masterpiece out of Calliope’s claws and looks around at the walls. Nearly all available space has been overtaken by other works of art from close friends, or shitty memorabilia from online.  
  
ROXY: fuuuuuuuck :((

ROXY: im outta space

ROXY: ok uhhh 

ROXY: i THINK i can lose the sonic ‘06 poster dirk made

ROXY: goddammit its such a quality piece of shit too

ROXY: aged like fine wine

CALLIOPE: well, yoU don’t have to hang it Up straight away.

CALLIOPE: i’m just thrilled yoU love it so!

ROXY: hmmmmmm

ROXY: yeha i GUESS

ROXY: i mean

ROXY: not to imply that this isnt the sickest fuckin thing ive ever laid eyes on

ROXY: CUASE IT IS

ROXY: i think its just special bc you made it and i know you put like a shit ton of effort into it :D plus the kitty is now my son ive legally adopted this boy

CALLIOPE: !!

CALLIOPE: oh goodness!

CALLIOPE: roxy i am simply and positively hUmbled from yoUr praise! yoU mUst cease or i might expire from pUre elation.

Roxy quickly places down her new favorite piece of decor and scoops up her skeletal partner into her arms, planting a smooch atop her calvaria. The action earns a flustered squeal from the startled cherub.

CALLIOPE: roxy!

ROXY: nope!!

ROXY: ur not gettin outta this one babe my hearts full of love and my arms filled with passion and also a green alien skeleton just try and get out of this bitchin bear hug

One of Calliope’s flailing limbs crashes into a pile of fabric and scrap metal.

ROXY: ok damn youve made your point

ROXY: we better take this ordeal upstairs before we cause a goddamn chemical fire or somethin

ROXY: number 1 rule of science safety: no romancin during business hours im a professional for petes sake

CALLIOPE: that soUnds like an excellent notion love.

CALLIOPE: oh, that reminds me, yoU’ve been down here for hoUrs yoU mUst be positively famished.

CALLIOPE: we might as well finish off the rest of the food from that picnic this morning. ^U^

ROXY: yeah...

ROXY: ive been meaning to talk to u bout that

The pair clomp up the stairs and set up camp in the kitchen. Calliope busies herself with little tasks; putting the kettle on the stove, pulling out the food from the fridge, cleaning off dishes, and other domestic shit of the like. Roxy takes a seat at the counter, her nervous eyes following her path throughout the cooking area.

CALLIOPE: what woUld yoU like to go over roxy?

ROXY: well i mean

ROXY: that whole mess with john and his hella vague mission thingy and just,,

ROXY: all of it!!!

ROXY: what in tha *fuuuuuuuck* was any of that noise

Calliope pauses and purses her ‘lips’. The kettle begins its shrill cry from behind her, punctuating Roxy’s blunt statement. The stove is switched off and two mugs of green tea are placed on the table. Calliope’s claw drums the side of the delicate ceramic.

CALLIOPE: coUld yoU... elaborate?

ROXY: i just mean

ROXY: that kind of pressure on someone seems really unfair dontcha think

ROXY: like

ROXY: theres NO way he could understand the flippin magnitude of some shit like that

ROXY: even I could barely follow what was going on which is some BULL to the SHIT cause u already KNOW i got that multiverse shit on lock i can vibe w it

ROXY: but this?? 

ROXY: its just super mean if u step back and look at the full picture

ROXY: and trust me callie its an ugly ass picture

ROXY: asking our friend groups local recluse to suddenly drop everything and make some potentially universe shatterin choice

CALLIOPE: bUt roxy it isn’t as black and white as yoU’re making it oUt to be.

CALLIOPE: some people jUst have to make Unfair choices for the betterment of others, even if it might be a detriment to themselves.

CALLIOPE: yoU know there simply isn’t any other way-

Roxy pushes her mug away and looks at Calliope. The cherub refuses to meet her gaze, opting to look deep into the murky waters of her own cup as if it may offer some sort of answer or comfort. Roxy’s voice takes on a desperate tone, a pleading one. 

ROXY: callie i love you and i c where youre coming from but thats the STUPIDEST SHIT IVE EVER HEARD

ROXY: i mean just *look* at the poor sap

ROXY: expecting the guy with chronic depression who cant be bothered to change his grease stained joggers to go grocery shopping twice a month to suddenly shape his shit up and make some weird arbitrary choice is just...

ROXY: i dont even know what it is :( 

ROXY: the whole thing just makes me sick

CALLIOPE: roxy!

CALLIOPE: his choice is essential.

CALLIOPE: his actions, purposeful or not, inflUence not only oUr Universe, bUt coUntless others.

CALLIOPE: we may not like it, bUt sometimes someone’s sUffering may be somewhat necessary if they are to assUre happiness in anyone else’s. 

CALLIOPE: maybe their sacrifice might even be essential.

CALLIOPE: a sort of key piece in some cosmic puzzle.

Roxy snorts.

ROXY: cosmic puzzle more like a fuckin cosmic JOKE

ROXY: you best be writin all that psuedophilisophical prose down with ur handy dandy notebook

ROXY: because the best fuckin use for it is as my future asswipe!

CALLIOPE: dont yoU think yoU’re being... a bit mUch?

ROXY: NO!!!!

ROXY: youre not *listening!*

There are tears in Roxy’s eyes, though not spilling out yet. Just behind the lids, hot and real, the kind of righteous anger one feels when faced with something that opposes there very reason for living, for being. The anger one feels when the thing you hold close is about to be shattered in you very eyes. When the thing you worship most in this world has been compared to the weird film at the bottom of the trash bin. 

ROXY: i lived completely isolated in postapocalyptic hellscape for the better part of my childhood n i know you did 2

ROXY: i fought tooth and fucking nail to get to where i am now

ROXY: IVE WATCHED SO MANY OF MY FRIENDS DIE

ROXY: AND NOW WERE HERE!

ROXY: ALIVE

ROXY: WERE FUCKED UP BUT WERE ALIVE

ROXY: JESUS EFFIN CHRIST CALLIE

ROXY: THIS PLACE IS THE LITTLE SCRAP OF PROOF THAT I HAVE THAT I DESERVE GOOD THINGS

ROXY: U STANDING HERE IN FRONT OF ME SHOWS ME THAT I *CAN* GET WHAT I WANT 

ROXY: htat it was all worth it

ROXY: and the idea that some invisble omnipotent shitlord could just sneak up behind me and take that all away? 

ROXY: thats the worst fucking thing in the world and i hav to wake up every day and face that it could happn and nothign i do could stop it

ROXY: callie

ROXY: i lov you so fucking much with every ounce of my being and nothing could change that

ROXY: no retcon no reset nothing

ROXY: but dont you see?

ROXY: johns already made his choice

ROXY: and that choice was 2 tell us to go FUC ourselves 

ROXY: and i for one happen to agree with him

ROXY: he has better things to do then fight ur brother or go dredge up some rando clown or whatever the fuck the universe had set for him

ROXY: and i have better things to do than care about it 

ROXY: like make sure ur ok

ROXY: that *were* ok

ROXY: i dont want you to think that you dont matter because some bullshit destiny says you dont

ROXY: bc you matter to *me*

ROXY: isnt that enough?

A mug shatters on the floor. Calliope is sobbing now, although the emotions responsible behind those tears are unclear. Roxy rushes over to her, she holds Callie’s shaking arms in her own, she rubs the small of her back, and in that moment realizes that the world could end tomorrow and it wouldn’t mean a damn thing, because the girl in her arms? That was her world.

Maybe they both knew it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> on god this was not supposed to be this angsty holy shit sorry for that  
> but some things needed to be said


	6. The Seer and The Prince

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is this exact chapter the entire reason I decided to write this thing? Maybe. Have I now been roped into writing an episodic homestuck fic for the express purpose of making fun of Dirk? Most likely. This is my hell.

Let’s get back to business shall we?  
  
ROSE: Morning sunshine.

Dirk, however, could not answer, this being more a rhetorical question for dramatic effect. He happens to be a little preoccupied at the moment, recovering from the shock of being dead. 

ROSE: Now Dirk, I understand you’re more than a little preoccupied at the moment.

ROSE: With the whole ‘being dead’ thing and all.

ROSE: But if we could hurry this particular transaction a little faster this should be a lot more tolerable for the both of us.

Now Dirk is in a very difficult and rather confusing situation here. For one thing, the former gaping wound in his chest was, while full healed, still- for a lack of better words- hurt like a motherfucker. This made it very difficult to think properly. The other, much more concerning, and slightly terrifying issue was that Dirk’s shades were not nestled in their usual nook, namely the dead center of his face. They had been placed neatly upon the dusty windowsill facing the futon. The curtains had been drawn for what felt like and what was almost certainly the first time in months, the midmorning, almost sickeningly cheerful sunlight streaming directly into Dirk’s eyes, as well as glinting off the edge of his shades just so, as if to taunt him about his almost comical self inflicted sensitivity to light. 

The last prevalent event on the agenda, though more or less so than the first one is hard to tell, is the fact that his hands had been handcuffed and looped around the arm of his futon. Now normally this wouldn’t be alarming but it is in combination with the fact that the room had apparently been thoroughly cleaned while he was out cold.

Well, cleaned is a generous word for it. It was more like every available weapon and weapon-like object had been shoved to the far corners of the room, most likely to keep his grubby paws off them. Well ain’t this a bitch.

Rose had taken up residence in the dead center of the room, sitting in a well used leather chair directly between the path of Dirk’s view of the window, though it did little to help keep the constant stream of sunlight from nearly blinding him. She has a small frame, but her chosen position of the light coming from the back makes her seem much more imposing. Nearly every feature of her face is shrouded in dark, dramatic shadows. This was absolutely a deliberate part on her end to seem more badass. And goddammit, it was kind of working.

DIRK: I have to admit, I’m kind of impressed with the theatrics.

ROSE: Thank you.

ROSE: I try.

DIRK: Although, I would have recommended waiting until sunset for this particular showdown. Much more cinematic.

ROSE: Duly noted.

ROSE: I’ll have to write that down for the next time a close friend of mine tries to fuck up everything I’ve worked for in their own megalomaniacal quest for relevance.

DIRK: Is that what you think I’m doing?

ROSE: Is it not?

DIRK: Well, I’d say that was almost cartoonishly simplistic.

DIRK: Almost crude, in a sense.

DIRK: I’ll have to dock points.

ROSE: Oh dear.

ROSE: Whatever will you do with me?

DIRK: Now that we’ve gotten the exaggerated lack of sincerity out of the way, could you do me a solid and cut the shit?

DIRK: These handcuffs are starting to chafe, and not even in the fun way.

ROSE: Dirk, we both know you are a fairly intelligent individual.

ROSE: Or at the very least, you have convinced both me and yourself of this fact.

ROSE: So could you do me the solid and ask me something that you don’t already know the answer to?

ROSE: My patience is running itself extraordinarily fucking thin these days.

DIRK: You might want to get that checked out.

ROSE: Looks like someone is just brimming with good ideas today.

DIRK: Well then.

DIRK: If you’re not going to grant me my ineffable human right to comfortable wrists as well as to sit my ass down on *my* sofa instead of this lukewarm concrete-

ROSE: It’s a goddamn futon Dirk, but continue.

DIRK: -then riddle me this, Lalonde.

DIRK: Why do you think you have the power to change anything?

ROSE: I could ask you the same thing.

ROSE: Although, it'd be better phrased as 'Why do you think you have the right to change anything?'

ROSE: Actually, I do have a few more burning questions on the tip of my tongue that I would just love to get straightened out if you don’t mind.

ROSE: What makes Dirk Fucking Strider so special that he suddenly gets to decide to not only do a seizure induced swan dive right off the deep end, but suddenly has the authority to bring along anyone he wants with him?

ROSE: What made you think it was, in any sense or idea of the word, OK to bring an entire universe to a screeching halt because you got bored?

ROSE: Who in the palpable shit died and gave you the fucking authority to make choices for other autonomous beings, let alone an entire fucking universe?

ROSE: Are you proud of yourself? Did you wake up this morning in your soggy ground mattress of filth and stale doritos, trudge up to the mirror, look yourself dead in the eyes and go “You know, I haven’t made shit needlessly complicated and fucked up for myself in a while, time to compensate by dragging everyone I know and cherish into a manipulative cycle of simultaneous self inflicted masochism and sadism, because I’m unable to cope with existing if I’m not either being punished or rewarded for the most inane shit?”

As Dirk sits on tepid floor of his apartment, he’s more than a little perturbed by Rose’s abrupt ripping him a new asshole, mostly in part that he had no fucking clue that she knew any of this. Maybe a quick fleeting glance of what he had planned, but this? This is new. This is unexpected, and Dirk didn’t do unexpected. What was also unexpected is the bright glow emanating from her eyes, growing more and more intense and concerning with each furious word that flew from her lips.

The room falls silent. Those questions were not rhetorical.

DIRK: I could see why you find those specific concerns valid.

DIRK: But I don’t think you’re fully equipped to see the full picture.

ROSE: Let me stop you right there champ.

ROSE: I really want you to reflect on the utter fucking lunacy that just fell from the bullshit generator you call a mouth.

ROSE: You honestly believe I don’t have the capacity to handle the big picture? The whole shabang?

ROSE: Dirk, the only thing I can see is the 'Big Picture'.

DIRK: ... 

DIRK: I feel like this is a trick question.

ROSE: Well let me lay down some sick metaphors for you, O Master of the Narrative.

ROSE: Let’s say our universe is a piece of paper with its entire history written upon its surface in ink. Or a book, a book would be better. Or like, a Word document. I really couldn’t give less of a shit about providing fodder for your mental image. Simple enough for you?

ROSE: Well, let’s also say that you, functionally, serve as the white out, the backspace button, the editor of said universe, able to change what you perceive as incorrect, with little to no consequence. I feel like this is a suitable analogy, if a little pedestrian.

ROSE: While you, can change the narrative all you’d like to serve as a catalyst to your little hero or villain or morally ambiguous story, I serve a much more reserved role.

ROSE: Think of it as this. You are churning out the revised edition of the previously mentioned story, while I have already read the original copy. I know how this all ends. I have and currently am seeing everything that has been and will be and the way things are going now, you’ve led us on a crash course straight to the fucking garbage bin of any respectable publishing company. I see every pretentious semicolon and oxford comma you’ve placed and I feel it’s my duty to say this.

ROSE: You royally fucked up dude.

ROSE: You took a perfectly acceptable piece of work and took a heaving shit all over it because it didn’t fit your edgy sad boy life.

ROSE: Hey Dirk, guess what?

ROSE: It is not that deep.

ROSE: It’s just the simple fact that you are literally and metaphorically incapable of seeing the big picture.

ROSE: So you have a choice here.

ROSE: You can go back to ruining yours and everyone else's lives because you're living in the year 2007 and can’t handle domesticity, lest you burst into flames on your weekly trip to the corner store because that rotten husk you call a fucking body physically cannot handle the mundane existence of suburbia,

ROSE: Or you can buckle down, realize that you’ve fulfilled your purpose and peaked at 16 and look forward to a meaningless and most likely permanent existence of stagnation, and sit the fuck down, drink some water, and sign up for monthly therapy like a fucking adult you bastard.

ROSE: Everyone else has.

Something is off. It isn’t that Rose had grown more compassionate or had softened by the end of her well deserved speech. It was more the worrying feeling that she had been talking more at Dirk than to him, her gaze merely vaguely directed in the general area he was in than looking him in his sagging eyes, as such a speech should have warranted.

DIRK: You... have made some interesting points. But can this discussion be brought off topic for a moment?

ROSE: Certainly, we have all the time we need.

DIRK: Coolio. Just a quick thing, popped into my head just now actually.

DIRK: What in the fuck is wrong with your eyes?

ROSE: Why Dirk.

ROSE: Is that anyway to speak to a blind girl?

There is a knocking at the balcony doors. Rose gives a slow smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not sorry and I am tired


	7. Two Pages

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh shit its the lads

GCATAVROSPRITE: jAKE,!

GCATAVROSPRITE: yOU’RE GOING, tO MISS IT,,

JAKE: Hold your horses there friend!

JAKE: I shall be right down lickty split. 

The typical midmorning routine is already in full swing over at the English manor. The house wafted with the smell of a disgustingly English breakfast, fish and all, and the sounds of soft jazz music emanating from one of the many gramophones lying about. If there is one thing that can be said about Jake, it’s that the man sticks to his period appropriate aesthetics.

Jake is currently consumed with one of his more difficult tasks, which, unfortunately for everyone who knows him, would be locating his trousers. God only knows how many times some poor soul has knocked on his door only to be greeted by a friendly smile and an uncomfortably too small pair of briefs. No one is quite sure if he does it on purpose, least of all the man himself. 

GCATAVROSPRITE: jAKE,,,,,

JAKE: JUST A MINUTE! Now where in the blue blazes could they be??

GCATAVROSPRITE: uH,, nOT TO BE,, aN ASSHOLE OR ANYTHING,

GCATAVROSPRITE: bUT THIS PARTICULAR, aCTIVITY, dOES NOT REQUIRE PANTS,

GCATAVROSPRITE: nECESSARILY,

JAKE: Careful there, my azure amigo!

JAKE: One might take that particular string of friendly rapport and twist it into something far more amatory than originally desired.

GCATAVROSPRITE: wOW,,, ,, uM OK, uHHHH, 

GCATAVROSPRITE: pLEASE,, sTOP TALKING AND GET DOWN HERE,

JAKE: Righty-o!! 

Jake bursts forth from out of his room and sprints down the hallway, swinging a sharp left onto the banister. He had spent months perfecting the iconic ‘sliding down the stairway railing in a nonchalant, totally chill kind of way’ like all the cool kids do in those fun adventure movies from his youth. He hadn’t quite figured out the landing though, and subsequently eats mad shit as he is hurtled towards the recently polished marble floors at high speeds. Tavros tentatively pokes his head around the corner and shoots Jake an annoyed but ultimately concerned look.

GCATAVROSPRITE: dUDE,,,wHAT THE FUCK,

JAKE: It was still worth it! No better way to get the old circulation system up and running than with a little recklessness.

GCATAVROSPRITE: uH, jAKE, dONT LIKE,, tAKE THIS THE WRONG WAY,

GCATAVROSPRITE: bUT IF YOU RUIN THIS FOR ME, i WILL NEVER SPEAK TO YOU AGAIN, pROBABLY

GCATAVROSPRITE: sO, iF YOU DONT MIND,, cOULD YOU PLEASE GET OFF YOUR ASS AND HURRY UP, mAYBE,

JAKE: Of course!

JAKE: I would just loathe to muck up this bang up bromance we have here.

JAKE: Now if you wouldnt mind... 

Jake sheepishly extends an arm from where he’s laying on the floor. Tavros offers him an exaggerated sigh and helps the poor doofus up

JAKE: Oof!

JAKE: That one smarts. Might have to check that later-

GCATAVROSPRITE: sHOOOSH,,!

JAKE: Ah, of course! My lips shall be as silent as the figurative grave and sealed tighter than a newly discovered tomb.

JAKE: Not a sound is getting past these bad boys.

Tavros stares incredulously at his roommate for a moment, then lets out a small snigger.

GCATAVROSPRITE: aHAHA, hA,,,

GCATAVROSPRITE: yOU,

GCATAVROSPRITE: yOURE, uHH, wORSE THAN i AM, aT THIS,

GCATAVROSPRITE: bEING QUIET, i MEAN,

JAKE: Haha, yes i had gathered as much.

GCATAVROSPRITE: sHOOOOOSH, >}:/,

Jake offers his friend a zipper motion across his mouth and an enthusiastic yet silent thumbs up. Tavros grabs his arm and guides him into the cluttered kitchen, the battlefield of their half eaten breakfast still evident. A few days worth of dishes fill the sinks while the pantry is stuffed with snacks, most likely stale but acceptable in a pinch. 

Tavros approaches the glass of the patio door with anticipation and smooches his soft face against it, his eyes searching for something. At last they land upon their prize and he lets out a little squeal that everyone who was present to hear would agree was pretty fucking embarrassing. He quickly fiddles with the finicky lock on the door, swatting away Jake’s hands when he would try and assist, and rushes outside to the berry bushes at the very edge of Jake’s property, where a local bird had set up its nest. If Tavros’ judgement was accurate, which it usually when it comes to these things, today would be the day the eggs in that nest would hatch. And he would be damned if he had to miss it.

Tavros floats gently just above the nest, his big, doughy eyes growing wider by the second with pure, 100 percent organic fucking joy. If that shit about your pupils dilating when you see something you love is true, then his would be goddamn black holes. Jake scoots up from behind him and takes in this, frankly, adorable sight.

An egg twitches. Tavros gasps and pumps his fist.

GCATAVROSPRITE: fuCK YEaH,

GCATAVROSPRITE: diD You sEE THAt,?,,

JAKE: I couldnt have missed it!

JAKE: The miracle of life and whatnot... 

JAKE: Just brings a tear to the old peepers, doesnt it?

GCATAVROSPRITE: donT RUin tHIS, wiTH YOur corNY Old peRSON SPeaK,

JAKE: I cant make any promises!

Tavros’ quiet voice is less whispering and more akin to an adolescent going through a particularly rough patch of puberty with how often it squeaked and cracked. He attempts to shoot Jake a withering look, but the effect is quickly negated when he spots the birds mother hiding in the trees and his face lights up faster than a shopping mall on Christmas Eve. He starts communing with the little brown bird, chatting about whatever the hell birds were into. 

Jake takes a deep breath and enjoys this chill as fuck morning. All is calm. All feels right. He wishes he could bottle this moment, and keep it right on his desk. For those days his brain just wouldn’t shut up about how awful he was. He’d whip out that bottle and go TAKE THAT YOU CURR and drown his awful mood in good vibes. That’s the dream.

And then that dream dies, its last moments scored by the main theme of the Pirates of the Caribbean, its jaunty yet thematically intense notes chiming out into the still air.

Jake’s phone was ringing.

GCATAVROSPRITE: dUDE,,!

JAKE: Sorry sport! Just a quick... 

JAKE: Oh.

His jaw sets and his brow creases as he reads the caller ID. He lets out an annoyed huff and quickly jabs the ignore button, stuffing the offending object back into his jacket pocket. He catches Tavros eye and shrugs his shoulders.

JAKE: What?

GCATAVROSPRITE: uHH, yEAH, wHAT IN THE HELL,, wAS THAT,

JAKE: Well whatever do you mean tavros?

GCATAVROSPRITE: tHE THING,

GCATAVROSPRITE: tHAT JUST, uH, hAPPENED,

GCATAVROSPRITE: rIGHT NOW,

GCATAVROSPRITE: wITH YOUR, uHH, pALMHUSK, 

GCATAVROSPRITE: iT WAS LIKE, aLL THE, uH, lIGHT,, jUST UHH, lEFT YOU,

GCATAVROSPRITE: sUDDENLY,,

JAKE: Why, im not really sure what youre referring to there, tavvy.

JAKE: Just didnt feel like chatting it up with my chums, haha.

JAKE: You know how it is-

GCATAVROSPRITE: hOO, bOY UHHH, wOW,

GCATAVROSPRITE: yOU ARE, a GARBAGE LIAR,

GCATAVROSPRITE: iN ADDITION,, tO BEING INCAPABLE OF SHUTTING YOUR MOUTH,

GCATAVROSPRITE: wHO WAS THAT, iF YOU, uHH, dONT MIND ME ASKING, 

JAKE: It... uh, ah geez.

JAKE: It was jane.

GCATAVROSPRITE: aH,,,

GCATAVROSPRITE: yOU KNOW, sHES ALWAYS REMINDED ME OF, vRISKA,

JAKE: No no no no no!

JAKE: You misunderstand me nitram.

JAKE: Jane isnt THAT bad, a real peach if you catch her on a good day, really... 

JAKE: But... 

JAKE: Shes changed tavros.

JAKE: I dont know how or when or why but its like shes a completely different gal.

JAKE: In fact, everybodys changed! Every feels all wrong and different. Its like... 

JAKE: A familiar song played in a different key. Just enough to throw you for a loop, you know?

JAKE: Im sorry, haha, im not really sure where the old train of thought has brought me this time.

Tavros awkwardly places a comforting hand on Jake’s shoulder and offers him a small smile. Jake slowly sinks to the soft ground and tries to gather his thoughts, his eyes growing distant.

JAKE: Hmmm.

JAKE: Hey tavros, you would... 

JAKE: Consider us close friends, yes?

GCATAVROSPRITE: wELL, i CERTAINLY HAVE BEEN, uH,

GCATAVROSPRITE: lIVING IN YOUR HIVE, fOR SEVERAL SWEEPS

GCATAVROSPRITE: aND i UH, gENERALLY CONSIDER YOU, aN AMICABLE AND NICE PERSON TO BE AROUND,

GCATAVROSPRITE: sO, tO UH, aNSWER YOUR QUESTION, yES,, }:)

JAKE: Right, right, of course!

JAKE: And i woundnt feel too off base stating the same about you, friendship-wise that is.

JAKE: So would you mind terribly if i just kind of... word vomit for a moment? For lack of a better expression.

GCATAVROSPRITE: uH, i GUESS NOT,

JAKE: Aces!

JAKE: Riddle me this, tavvy my boy. 

JAKE: When was the last time you really let loose? Just fucking gone absolutely off the walls apeshit with nothing but your inabitions and your best droogs to guide you?

GCATAVROSPRITE: i UH, fEEL LIKE YOU ALREADY KNOW THE ANSWER TO THAT, aCTUALLY,

GCATAVROSPRITE: yOURE PROBABLY, uHH, aWARE THAT i DONT REALLY HAVE ANY FRIENDS,, uH OTHER THAN YOU,

GCATAVROSPRITE: mOST OF THEM, aRE DEAD,,

JAKE: Ah, yes that... 

JAKE: Well ive just felt a mite bit fidgety as time marches on.

JAKE: In the past few years verythings just gone all kinds of sideways to me.

JAKE: At first i thought it was just adulthood taking its course, old friends grow apart all the time dont they?

JAKE: But whenever i just sit down and take a hard gander at it... 

JAKE: My insides get all twisty and gross.

JAKE: Nobody ever wants to just talk or go galavanting about anymore. I honestly cant remember the last time i jabbered on with somebody and didnt feel like i could take a nice slice of the tension in the air. 

JAKE: You know, and i just be going off my rocker, but...

JAKE: I think my friends might just hate me?

JAKE: Well.

JAKE: Uh, im probably just being hyperbolic actually. But there is most definitely some resentment all gummed up in the works. 

JAKE: And the worst part is i cant really blame them!

JAKE: I know how hard it is to be around me. Too much just kind of flies over my dome. Maybe its just that everyones moving on, and ive just kept living in the golden age, as it were. 

GCATAVROSPRITE: wELL, mAYBE YOUR FRIENDS, aRE JUST BAD,

GCATAVROSPRITE: aT BEING FRIENDS, i MEAN,

GCATAVROSPRITE: mY FRIENDS WERE, a LOT OF THE TIME, aCTUALLY, 

JAKE: MAYBE! I dont flippin know! Thats kind of the whole issue actually!!

JAKE: I dont know what anyone WANTS from me anymore!

JAKE: Every important relationship ive ever had in my life is slipping through the cracks and im about one more uncomfortable dinner party pretending i know dick shit about the economy from flipping my GODDAMN LID and running off into the forest forever!!!!

JAKE: Its like everybodys learned this complicated waltz and im stuck in the corner doing the goddamn macarena like some sort of bargain bin buffoon!

JAKE: Its all so very...disheartening. 

JAKE: But what else can i do??

GCATAVROSPRITE: wELL, yOU DONT HAVE TO,,, dO THAT,

JAKE: Do what?

GCATAVROSPRITE: hANG OUT WITH, yOUR FRIENDS, i GUESS,

GCATAVROSPRITE: lIKE, iF YOU DONT WANT TO,,,

GCATAVROSPRITE: tHEN DONT, dO THAT,

GCATAVROSPRITE: i DONT, uH, dO THINGS i DONT WANT TO,, aLL THE TIME,

GCATAVROSPRITE: wELL, wHEN iM NOT FORCED TO, i MEAN,

JAKE: ... 

JAKE: Well shit.

JAKE: Ive never really thought about it like that.

GCATAVROSPRITE: wELL, dUH,,

JAKE: Maybe i do deserve some ‘me’ time, dont i?

JAKE: I guess i just get a little itchy when im alone for too long i guess.

JAKE: I dont think i could handle just cutting everyone off like some stubborn split ends.

GCATAVROSPRITE: bUT, yOURE NOT, rEALLY,,,

GCATAVROSPRITE: iM HERE,

GCATAVROSPRITE: jUST,

GCATAVROSPRITE: iT UHHH, dOESNT HAVE TO BE, fOREVER,

GCATAVROSPRITE: mAYBE, tAKE THE WEEK OFF,, pERHAPS,

GCATAVROSPRITE: fOR YOURSELF, i MEAN,

Jake’s face suddenly goes blank for a split second, then quickly morphs into pure elation. It’s like rebooting a computer.

JAKE: Oh. 

JAKE: OH! Of COURSE, HAHA!!

JAKE: I can DO THAT! Im a full fledged onest to goodness ADULT now!

JAKE: I dont have to explain anything to anybody.

JAKE: Tavros, my spectral companion, you continue to be a paragon of logic and good vibes.

JAKE: You are my rock in this cold, unpredictable world weve built together.

GCATAVROSPRITE: hEY, rEMEMBER WHAT i SAID, aBOUT SOUNDING CORNY,

GCATAVROSPRITE: sTOP THAT,

JAKE: Bring it in buddy!

Jake ropes Tavros into what should universally be considered a top tier hug. If you could get a degree in hugs, this man would have a Masters degree. Its like embracing a manly yet emotionally open cloud. Tavros squirms against his bro’s chest for a moment, then defeatedly relents. Nobody escapes a hug of such high caliber. Above them, Tavros’ little bird friend starts going nuts. Tavros suddenly perks up and quickly shoves Jake’s large frame off of him, popping up to finish watching the birds hatch. Jake watches with amusement and and giggles into his hand. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tavros is fun to write for hes rude people should make him rude more  
> thx for reading dont forget to like comment and sub i say that after like every chapter even tho it means nothing in retrospect ahaha but seriously i like comments


	8. A Seer A Mage and A Maid Walk Into The End Of The Universe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the gang bullies sollux for an indeterminate amount of time

Unfortunately, there are those of us who don't have the luxury of getting a heartfelt pep talk whenever they feel a little down. And then there are those of us who haven't spoken to another living person in years.

Terezi is one of the souls on the latter part of that particular scale. She still isn't quite sure what made her do it. Looking at the big picture, abandoning all of her friends and the promise of a somewhat stable existence in the miniscule hope of hunting down someone lost to time and space seems fucking insane. But here she is, Day Who Even Fucking Cares, slowly starving to death, sustaining herself on scraps and...well she wouldn't say hope. Closer to spite. Spite is what was driving her.

She isn't even sure what she would do when she finds Vriska. If she finds her, in fact. Will she hug her? Cry? Give her a swift drubbing of her trusty dragon cane? So many possibilities, so much more time. She used to have this big, dramatic, anime-worthy speech lined up, but looking back on it, it all seemed kind of pointless and childish. Plus, her voice is kind of shot from not speaking to anyone for what seems like endless sweeps. 

Actually, it was less like so much time passed and more like time had never moved. Everything smells the same out here, no bright burst of color to serve as any sort of marker to her progress. It was all just an empty, flat darkness, but not the normal kind Terezi had been accustomed to. Gone was the sharp taste of black licorice or the burning feeling of oil. It was like every color had been tossed into a big melting pot, and scorched beyond recognition, so hot it came straight back to freezing. If dry ice had a smell, this would be it. Has she been moving at all? Does time still exist? Does she?

Being philosophical is fucking exhausting. Terezi has no clue how Rose kept up that particular schtick for so long. No wonder she was such a bitch.

She misses her friends.

Her palmhusk has long since died, due to the general lack of outlets or electricity in the boundless void. She barely remembers her last conversation with John. She does recall him mentioning that everything had gone to shit, but she wasn't sure why. She wishes she could see it. Well, smell it. That would have been a fucking riot, but she had bigger fish to fry at the time. By now though that fish would have been in the fryer for much too long, tough and disgusting. Barely fit for the garbage.

Does she regret this?

Before being able to properly reflect on whether or not she has just wasted sweeps on a dying dream, Terezi is interrupted by two things. 

One of those things is her coughing up blood. That has been happening more lately, but it hasn't really concerned her that much. She's made of pretty tough stuff. It'd be fine, though her shirt is pretty much finished, patches of dark teal blood encrusted on it.

The second thing, substantially more alarming, is a cherry scented entity launching itself at Terezi's chest at full speed. 

Terezi gets the fucking wind knocked out of her. Her head is spinning, but that's not quite enough to take her out of the game. She's tired, confused, and quite frankly, kind of pissed, which seems to be a common theme as of late.

Quick as a child doused in water launching themselves down those stupid metal slides on a hot summer's day, Terezi frees her blade from its captchalogued prison for what feels like the first time in eons. She is mere moments from plunging it into her attackers backside, when a strangely familiar, slightly nasally, and definitely panicked voice hit her ears.

SOLLUX: wait wait wait wait, h0ld the FUCK up.

SOLLUX: jesus christ tz c0uld y0u calm y0ur rumblespheres f0r like tw0 sec0nds h0ly shit.

SOLLUX: just put d0wn the fucking sw0rd bef0re y0u hurt s0me0ne.

TEREZI: WH4T?

TEREZI: SOLLUX??

Despite all odds, there he is, a few yards ahead of Terezi, kind of frantically waving his arms to distract her from completing her impulse reaction. Which in retrospect is pretty fucking pointless because she is blind, but it’s the thought that counts. He looks fucking haggered and older, just kind of overall shitter; But there is no mistaking his distinctive scent of honeycomb and despair. 

It is the one and only Sollux Captor. 

SOLLUX: n0, its the g0ddamn b0ne fairy.

ARADIA: that would be me! 0u0

ARADIA: and just so you know i dont mind the whole sword thing

ARADIA: it would have been a minor inconvenience at most

Terezi takes a deep whiff of the decadent red in front of her. Cherries, like before, but combined with the rich stench of death. Not in like a rotting corpse way though. More like the soft earth the dead is buried in. She quickly unequips her sword and hugs Aradia like her life depends on it.

TEREZI: 4R4D14???

TEREZI: WH4T 1N TH3 HOT BL1ST3R1NG FUCK 1S GO1NG ON??

TEREZI: DONT YOU TWO DUMB4SS3S KNOW NOT TO FUCK1NG HUG T4CKL3 SOM3ON3 LOST 1N 4 BOUNDL3SS VO1D?

TEREZI: P4RT1CUL4RLY 1F TH4T SOM3ON3 1S FUCK1NG *BL1ND*!

SOLLUX: i t0ld y0u it was a shitty idea aa.

SOLLUX: i specifically t0ld y0u ‘hey maybe d0nt fucking gl0mp her and just fl0at up and say hi instead like a n0rmal functi0ning pers0n s0 y0u d0nt end up with a sw0rd up y0ur ass.’ 

ARADIA: im sorry! i was just so excited to see you

ARADIA: but i see youve neglected to mention you immediately following up that warning with ‘w0w tz sounds like h0t shit i w0uldnt touch her with a tw0 f00t p0le’ :p

TEREZI: H3Y >:[

ARADIA: well in solluxs defense you look like you got hit by an omniscuttlecoach. 

SOLLUX: aa said y0u have fucking bl00d 0n y0ur shirt!

TEREZI: W3LL TH4TS F41R 1 GU3SS

TEREZI: BUT HOLD YOUR FUCK1NG MUSCL3B34STS FOR 4 M1NUT3 TH3R3 MR 4PPL3 B3RRY

TEREZI: WH3R3 D1D YOU TWO 3V3N COM3 FROM >:?

TEREZI: YOU TWO W3R3 D34D!

SOLLUX: where the fuck did y0u get that idea?

TEREZI: W3LL

TEREZI: M4YB3 NOT *D34D*

TEREZI: BUT YOU W3R3 GOOD 4S D34D!

TEREZI: YOU GUYS JUST FUCK3D OFF 1NTO TH3 DR34MBUBBL3S 4ND NOBODY H34RD FROM YOU 4G41N! 

ARADIA: we had work to do terezi you know that!

ARADIA: well i did 

ARADIA: he just kind of tagged along

SOLLUX: w0w, way t0 make it s0und like i was just s0me useless sack 0f shit. 

ARADIA: sorry!

ARADIA: and now that work is done so we left

ARADIA: well not done per say

ARADIA: its more like weve done all we can and now our very existence is in the hands of lady fate 

TEREZI: SO YOU GUYS D1DNT D3F34T LORD 3NGL1SH

ARADIA: oh no we definitely did

ARADIA: vriskas plan went off without a hitch! :)

SOLLUX: surprisingly.

ARADIA: hush!

ARADIA: she was able to release the full power of the Ultimate Weapon and the gods trapped inside were able to, for lack of a better metaphor, ‘serve Lord English’s bony ass to him on a silver platter like he was the long foretold heir of butler island’

ARADIA: his parts now scattered across the vast expanse of paradox space

ARADIA: unfortunately thats where the good news ends

ARADIA: the heros have fallen

ARADIA: the gods are dead

ARADIA: their bodies reduced to little more than space dust

SOLLUX: als0 theres the megafuck space h0le that 0pened up

ARADIA: oh right! that

ARADIA: there is the matter of the space warping vortex born of a star the size of several galaxies suddenly collapsing in on itself thats now sucking in anyone or thing that lies in its path at an alarming rate 

TEREZI: WH4T TH3 H3LL? WH3R3 DO3S 1T GO?

SOLLUX: wh0 cares? its n0t 0ur business anym0re.

ARADIA: you know something?

ARADIA: the end of the universe is surprisingly very beautiful

ARADIA: i just know you would have loved it terezi!

SOLLUX: 0k like i get the wh0le n0thing means anything s0 lets party it up 0ptimistic nihilist thing.

SOLLUX: but that is an ABSURDLY fucked up thing t0 say after we just watched like a BILLI0N pe0ple die.

Aradia offers her traveling companion a small shrug and a toothy smile.

ARADIA: not much we can do about it now

ARADIA: like you said, it is once again not our problem

TEREZI: WOW

TEREZI: OK LOOK GUYS

TEREZI: 1 H4V3NT SPOK3N TO 4NYON3 1N GOD KNOWS HOW M4NY SW33PS 

TEREZI: 4ND 1 M4Y B3 4 L1TTL3 4 LOOPY FROM BLOOD LOSS

TEREZI: SO PL34S3 UND3RST4ND TH4T 1 M34N TH1S W1TH 4LL TH3 LOV3 4ND S1NC3R1TY 1 H4V3 1N MY BLOOD PUSH3R 

TEREZI: WH4T

TEREZI: TH3 4CTU4L FUCK 1S YOUR PROBL3M?

TEREZI: WHY DO YOU BOTH SOUND SO C4LM 4BOUT 4LL TH1S?

ARADIA: what do you mean?

TEREZI: YOU M4G1C4LLY 4PP3R4T3 OUT OF TH3 VO1D 4FT3R SW33PS OF FUCK1NG R4D1O S1L3NC3

TEREZI: B34R1NG TH3 *PR3TTY FUCK1NG MONUMENT4L* N3WS TH4T NOT ONLY 1S TH3 MOST POW3RFUL 4SSHOL3 TO 3V3R GR4C3 TH3 UN1V3RS3 W1TH H1S 1NSUFF3R4BL3 PR3S3NC3 D34D

TEREZI: BUT TH3R3 1S NOW 4 M4SS1V3 FUCK1NG BL4CK HOL3 4CT1V3LY R1PP1NG TH3 MULT1V3RS3 4 N3W ON3 1N H1S PL4C3!

TEREZI: BUT 1 GU3SS TH4T DO3SNT M4TT3R DO3S 1T??

TEREZI: NOP3!!

TEREZI: W3 4R3 4LL SUDD3NLY 4ND COMPL3T3LY 4BSOLV3D OF 4NY SORT OF R3SPONS1B1L1TY W3 M1GHT H4V3 R1GHT??

TEREZI: J33Z SOM3T1M3S 1 TH1NK TO MYS3LF 'M4N T3R3Z1 YOU M1GHT B3 LOS1NG YOUR TOUCH! M4YB3 YOUR3 JUST LOS1NG YOUR M4RBL3S!!'

TEREZI: 4ND TH3N SOM3 COMPL3T3LY S1D3W4YS OFF TH3 W4LL *SH1T* L1K3 TH1S H4PP3NS 4ND 1 SUDD3NLY R3M3MB3R TH4T 1TS *NOT* M3

TEREZI: BUT 1NST34D TH3 3NT1R3 UN1V3RS3 TH4T H4S GON3 COMPL3T3LY MOTH3RFUCK1NG 1NS4NE!!!!

TEREZI: TH3N 1 H4V3 TO D34L W1TH TH3 F4CT TH4T 1 *M4Y* H4V3 JUST W4ST3D 4 FUCK1NG 3T3RN1TY LOOK1NG FOR SOM3ON3 WHO COULDNT G1V3 L3SS OF 4 SH1T 4BOUT MY 3FFORTS 4ND 1S PROB4BLY D34D!!

ARADIA: terezi... 

ARADIA: what have you been doing out here?

TEREZI: LOOK1NG FOR H3R!

TEREZI: FOR VR1SK4!!

TEREZI: 1T 1S WH4T 1 4M 4LW4YS DO1NG!

TEREZI: 1 4M JUST SO FUCK1NG T1R3D 4ND N4US3OUS 4ND

TEREZI: 1 DONT KNOW WH4T TH3 FUCK 1 4M

TEREZI: BUT 1 GU3SS 1TS T1M3 TO JUST THROW 1N TH3 TOW3L HUH??

TEREZI: S1NC3 1 GU3SS YOU 4ND M3 4ND 4PP4R3NTLY TH3 3NT1R3 GODD4MN UN1V3RS3 4R3 JUST GO1NG TO D13 4NYW4Y FROM SOM3 SUP3RFLUOUS BL4CK HOL3 BULLSH1T

TEREZI: 1 SHOULD JUST STOP G1V1NG 4 FUCK!

TEREZI: 1 4M COMPL3T3LY G1V1NG UP!!!!!

TEREZI: 1 4M JUST SO FUCK1NG OV3R TH1S!

TEREZI: WHY SHOULD 1 C4R3?

TEREZI: 1 4M DON3 W1TH 4DV3NTUR3S, 1 4M DON3 W1TH TH3 T3D1UM OF C4R1NG 4BOUT TH3 ‘B1GG3R P1CTUR3’, 4ND 1 4M SO

TEREZI: *FUCK1NG*

TEREZI: ********DON3********

TEREZI: W1TH VR1SK4S GR4ND1OS3 M3LODR4M4T1C BULLSH1T!!! 

TEREZI: SH3 1S JUST SO... 3XH4UST1NG 

TEREZI: 4CTU4LLY, YOU TWO MUST H4V3 S33N H3R 4T SOM3 PO1NT DUR1NG YOUR B1G US3L3SS SH1ND1G

TEREZI: YOU M1ND PO1NT1NG M3 1N SOM3 V4GU3 G3N3R4L D1R3CT1ON OF H3R LOC4T1ON SO 1 C4N B1D H3R 4 F1N4L 'YOUV3 B4S1C4LLY W4ST3D 4LL OF MY T1M3 4ND 3N3RGY SO YOU COULD PL4Y H3RO' SO 1 C4N F1N4LLY FUCK OFF 4ND *D13*

ARADIA: um

ARADIA: well 

ARADIA: about that particular request

ARADIA: as much as i would love to tell you that

ARADIA: we cant actually

TEREZI: UGGH

TEREZI: WH4T 1N TH3 SLURRY GUZZL1NG SH1T 4R3 YOU GO1NG ON 4BOUT??

ARADIA: uhhhh

SOLLUX: 0h my g0d just rip the fucking bandaid 0ff already.

SOLLUX: shes dead tz.

Just like that, all the fury, energy, emotion- life- that haD been in Terezi just moments before has been zapped out of her; like flipping a light switch. Her shoulders go stiff and her face freezes. It takes a few seconds before she can choke out her next question.

TEREZI: YOU

TEREZI: YOU M1ND RUNN1NG TH4T ON3 BY M3 4G41N?

SOLLUX: she's fucking DEAD tz.

SOLLUX: g0ne.

SOLLUX: g0t her ass handed t0 her tw0f0ld and sh0ved d0wn her meal tunnel.

ARADIA: well there was a bit more to it than that

ARADIA: we had already begun fleeing the battlefield so we couldnt see much

ARADIA: but vriska had activated the ultimate weapon

ARADIA: but in the moments involving lord englishes defeat the black hole had reached its apex

ARADIA: people were swept into it by the thousands 

ARADIA: their screams all harmonizing in one final haunting shriek that echoed across paradox space

ARADIA: im pretty sure its safe to say she... 

ARADIA: im so sorry terezi

Terezi falls silent for a few minutes processing this goddamn left hook of an update. Aradia waits patiently, shooting concerned glances over to Sollux, who cannot reciprocate, because he is blind. Finally, Terezi offers a polite rebuttal.

TEREZI: TH3R3 1S

TEREZI: NO FUCK1NG W4Y 

TEREZI: SH3 WOULD H4V3 L3T H3RS3LF H4V3 SUCH 4 L4M3 D34TH

ARADIA: its not like we really get to pick how we die terezi

TEREZI: NO 

TEREZI: YOU DONT G3T 1T

TEREZI: YOU DONT G3T *H3R*

TEREZI: SH3 WOULD FR33Z3 H3LL H3RS3LF B3FOR3 H4V1NG SUCH 4 G4RB4G3, 1NCONS3QU3NT14L D34TH

TEREZI: SUCK3D 1NTO 4 BL4CK HOL3 MY F1N3 4SS

SOLLUX: yeah 0k its c00l y0ure in denial and shit, and lets say that she s0meh0w survived a fucking star c0llapsing in 0n itself and the end 0f the g0ddamn universe.

SOLLUX: what d0 really think the 0dds are that y0ure ever g0ing t0 see her again?

Terezi is caught off guard by this question, even though it’s perfectly valid. What  _ are  _ the odds of her ever seeing Vriska again? Of being able to talk to her, and hold her, and call her a stupid bitch? What were the chances of Terezi getting to see (smell) her, even one last time.

Chances. Odds. Luck. Vriska’s jurisdiction. Even out here in a barren wasteland where time and space don’t obey their first principles, she was inescapable. What were the odds of escaping the biggest black hole paradox space had ever witnessed? What were the chances of her finding her way back to her universe, that know-it-all smile on her face and an indescribable, insufferable glint in her eyes. What was the mathematical probability of her even giving any hint of a shit about it anymore, and not just absconding to some new, unsuspecting universe to wreck her special brand of mayhem.

Vriska Serket. The universe’s wildcard. When faced with the trolley problem, she’d be the type to flip the whole damn cart just to boast that she had beat the system.

Vriska Serket. More than a name. More than a girl. More than a person or a thought or a hero or a villain or some other countless version of morally grey. She was just Vriska. And that simple fact was more than enough to fuck up someone’s day. 

Vriska Serket.

She was ten percent luck, twenty percent skill, fifteen percent concentrated power of will. Five percent pleasure, fifty percent pain, and a hundred percent reason to remember the name.

\- Troll MC Hammer

She is getting off track. Terezi shoves a shaking, clawed hand into her pocket, producing the one item that gives her comfort in her sweeps of self inflicted solitude. The only thing that symbolically links her to her prize after so much time apart. Her scratched Ceager coin.

The epitome of righteous justice and fair judgment sat nestled in her palm. This little coin had decided Vriska’s fate so long ago. 

Or, had it?

Terezi, in this moment realizes something, The coin is completely fucking worthless. At the end of the day, the coin hadn’t made the decision. You and Vriska were both glaringly aware of that fact. That was kind of the whole point. The coin hadn’t meant anything, and neither had you. It was all Vriska’s choice, to stay, to help. The coin was an empty gesture of showmanship. Much like everything involving Vriska.

Like this entire mission.

Oh fuck Terezi is crying.

She doesn’t believe it either. But there they are, the universal symbol for being miserable, unless we’re counting happy tears, which we are not, were running down the sides of her cheeks and falling onto her shirt. Her sniffs got sharper and her soft weeping swiftly escalates to violent caterwauling. Her shoulders shake and she buries her weary face into her hands, wishing the universe would just swallow her whole and spit out her bones a million miles away.

Sollux and Aradia also wish the same fate will befall them.

TEREZI: BOOHOO HOO HOO

ARADIA: (dude!)

SOLLUX: (0h g0d.)

ARADIA: (what did you do?)

SOLLUX: (0h fuck, what did i d0?!)

ARADIA: (oh my god...)

ARADIA: (should) 

ARADIA: (should we do something?)

SOLLUX: (i d0nt fucking kn0w!)

SOLLUX: (ive kind 0f never had t0 c0ns0le 0n 0f my friends having a g0ddamn mental breakd0wn bef0re!)

SOLLUX: (let al0ne TEREZI 0f all pe0ple)

TEREZI: BOO HOO HOO HOO HOO

SOLLUX: (0h g0d 0h shit 0h fuck what the fuck s0n 0f a bitch)

SOLLUX: (h0ly m0ther 0f shitting g0ddamn christ what the fuck is even g0ing 0n?!)

ARADIA: (sollux dont you dare!)

ARADIA: (you do not get to flip out)

ARADIA: (not here and definitely not now)

ARADIA: (our dear close friend needs our help and you dont get to use her panic attack as and excuse to flip out on me!)

SOLLUX: (y0u think im fucking kidding?)

SOLLUX: (what, y0u think ive been sitting with my thumbs up my waste chute f0r the past g0d kn0ws H0W many sweeps just waiting f0r the PERFECT 0ppertunity t0 g0 abs0lutely apeshit JUST t0 spite y0u?)

SOLLUX: (i d0nt kn0w what the fuck im d0ing and i sure as shit d0nt see y0u d0ing much m0re t0 help her either!)

TEREZI: BOO HOO HOO

ARADIA: (yes, because im currently preoccupied with you acting like a massive wriggler because you cant be a decent person and think about others feelings for once in your life)

ARADIA: (and newsflash dude, you cant see anything!)

SOLLUX: y0u kn0w what?

SOLLUX: FUCK Y0U F0R THAT.

SOLLUX: I CAN G0 TAKE A FUCKING HALF S0MERSAULT 0FF INT0 THE FUCKING DEEP END WHENEVER I DAMN WELL PLEASE.

SOLLUX: I D0NT NEED Y0UR C0URT 0RDERED APPR0VAL T0 FREAK 0UT AA S0 WHY D0NT Y0U TAKE Y0UR HEAD 0UT 0F Y0UR ASS AND KISS MINE!!

ARADIA: sollux!!

ARADIA: quit being such a massive tool and just SHUT THE FUCK UP!! 

GC: TEREZI: BOO HOO- >:?

It all, in a few moments, goes to shit. Aradia and Sollux have become nothing more than a ball of flailing limbs and beyond confusing insults. Terezi has all but silenced her heartfelt weeps and just sits back and watches in a mixture of confusion and amusement as her friends go at it, somewhat in her honor. The longer she watches, the more absurd the scene before her becomes, and soon her shoulders are shaking once more. This time with wild cackling.

SOLLUX: what the fuck?

SOLLUX: did y0u just fucking bite me?!

ARADIA: mrph!

SOLLUX: GET Y0UR G0DDAMN M0UTH 0FF ME ARADIA I FUCKING MEAN IT!

TEREZI: PFFFFT

SOLLUX: 0h GREAT, y0uve g0t her fucking started again, nice g0ing aa.

ARADIA: well maybe if you werent such a stupid nerd you might see that shes not crying! shes laughing! 

ARADIA: probably at you!

SOLLUX: wait what?

SOLLUX: then why the fuck are we still d0ing this?

ARADIA: i dont know!

SOLLUX: FUCK!

TEREZI: H3H3H3

TEREZI: H3H3H3H3H3

TEREZI: H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3!!

TEREZI: GOD YOU TWO SUCK 4T TH1S!

TEREZI: BUT 1 DO F33L B3TT3R SO

TEREZI: TH4NKS!

Aradia immediately shifts back to her cheery demeanor and offers Terezi two thumbs up. Sollux lets out a sigh and untangles himself from her, pulling out his phone and angrily tapping at the screen. Terezi’s attention instantly shifts towards him.

TEREZI: WH4T 4R3 YOU DO1NG >:?

SOLLUX: i d0nt kn0w, why d0 y0u care?

TEREZI: 1S TH4T YOUR P4LMHUSK?

SOLLUX: yeah?

TEREZI: G1V3 1T

TEREZI: NOW

SOLLUX: what n0.

TEREZI: G1V3 1T TO M3!

SOLLUX: n0 fuck 0ff!

SOLLUX: TZ WHAT THE FUCK GET 0FF 0F ME!

TEREZI: SHUT UP 4ND JUST G1V3 M3 TH3 GODD4MN HUSK

SOLLUX: Y0URE FUCKING INSANE!

ARADIA: lol

SOLLUX: 0H D0NT EVEN FUCKING START ARADIA.

SOLLUX: JUST GET HER 0FF 0F ME!

TEREZI: NO 4R4D14 H3LP M3 G3T H1S STUP1D HUSK

SOLLUX: AA D0NT Y0U FUCKING DARE!

ARADIA: as much as i would like to help you with that terezi

SOLLUX: UUUUUGGGGHHHHH!

ARADIA: i think theres a simpler solution to this!

Aradia reaches into her hoodie pocket and presents her pale pink phone to Terezi, who immediately scrambles off the perch she’s made of Sollux’s back and stares at the little machine as if it were the biggest, brightest ruby in all the world. 

SOLLUX: G0D d0 y0u have fucking panw0rms 0r s0mething?

TEREZI: OH SHUT UP >:[

TEREZI: HOW TH3 H3LL 1S TH1S TH1NG 3V3N ST1LL WORK1NG?

ARADIA: ask sollux, hes always been good with that kind of stuff

Sollux shrugs. That seems to be all the answers we’ll be getting for that particular line of questioning. The phone’s old pesterchum app gives a little ding.

SOLLUX: what the fuck did y0u d0?

TEREZI: UGH QU1T B31NG SUCH 4 SH1T 1 D1DNT DO 4NYTH1NG

TEREZI: TH3 R34L QU3ST1ON W3 SHOULD B3 4SK1NG OURS3LV3S 11111S

TEREZI: WHO 1N TH3 WORLD 1S T3XT1NG 4R4D14?

Aradia also offers nothing but another shrug.

ARADIA: beats me

TEREZI: H3R3 L3T M3 S33

ARADIA: what are you... ew

SOLLUX: 0h g00d grief.

TEREZI: THUTH UP 1M ORK1N ON 1T!!

The sickly sweet taste of lavender hits Terezi’s sensitive tongue like a shot through the torso.

TEREZI: L4LOMB3??

SOLLUX: uhhh.

ARADIA: ??

TEREZI: OH SORRY

TEREZI: L4LOND3??

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> terezis dialogue of "a little a loopy" was intentional, not a typo  
> also i need to make this known, i do like vrisrezi, like a whole fucking bunch, but tz deserves a break yall


	9. The Seer's Lore

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welcome back to another episode of 'i really like writing exposition for rose'. sorry for the wall of purple

John stands on the edge of Dirk’s overgrown lawn, looking up at the balcony. The curtains are drawn, but he isn’t able to see directly inside it’s much too dark for that. He glances down at his phone, making sure that this is where Rose told him to meet her.

Yep, this is the place. 

John can’t make heads or tails of why she would want to meet at Dirk’s apartment of all places. He’s almost as bad of a hermit as John is at this point. Did Dirk know stuff about all this ‘meta’ junk as well? Was that what Rose had called it? Wait, shit, she said that didn’t matter anymore. If it didn’t matter, then what the hell was he doing here? He could go back home, sleep in a little longer, maybe even finally eat something today. John gazes at his reflection in the streaked glass, the first time in a long while he can remember giving himself a good look.

Man, he looks like shit.

He hasn’t shaved in weeks, evident from the patchy stubble on his chin. His eyes are red and blurry, with heavy bags underneath that rival the cargo hold of a jet. He needs a haircut.

He needs some discernible direction in his life.

JOHN: jesus christ... 

How do his friends do it? All of them seem so chill and adultlike. Rose has a wife. Jade has a goddamn job. Dave... well, Dave was just Dave, but he was already decently mature when he was younger, though that could just be the trauma. When did they get their shit together? Why can’t he?

A car alarm in the distance suddenly blaring behind John snaps him back to reality. Now was not the time to have a breakdown on his best friend’s brother’s porch, although these days it was feeling more like an inevitability than a choice. Rose needs his help, and being a sad sack wasn’t going to get anyone anywhere. John takes a deep breath and floats up to the balcony. 

He shuts his eyes and finally knocks.

There’s the sound of grinding metal as someone opens the door and John feels a small hand on his shoulder.

Rose is there, tired, but smiling pleasantly.

ROSE: John.

ROSE: How wonderful of you to join us.

JOHN: rose!

He scoops Rose up into a tight hug, nearly pulling her up from the floor. She doesn’t return it, but does awkwardly pat John on the back a few times. He was surprised at how much he had missed her, considering he had just seen her an hour earlier. Maybe some part of him registered that as the last time he would see her. She feels more solid, like she had some of the life drained from her injected back. Although something is throwing him off about her.

JOHN: hmmm... 

JOHN: rose?

ROSE: Yes, John?

JOHN: what’s that weird smell?

ROSE: Probably the vomit.

John pulls back, visibly startled. Rose brushes her shirt a few times and leans against the doorframe, raising an eyebrow.

JOHN: ewwwwwwww!

JOHN: rose that’s disgusting!

ROSE: Oh, please don’t be so dramatic.

ROSE: I was on my deathbed not half an hour ago.

ROSE: Honestly, it’s a miracle I’m standing here John. You should be happy for me.

ROSE: Are you not happy?

JOHN: i am!

JOHN: it’s just, well.

JOHN: i'm kind of just confused about what happened?

ROSE: Simply put, mind over matter.

ROSE: I ascended much more casually than anticipated is all, unlike some people.

Rose’s casual expression morphs itself into what could only be described as tasteful disdain as she jabs her thumb towards the far wall. John follows the gesture and his gaze suddenly lands on Dirk Strider, still handcuffed to the futon. Rose has also apparently gagged him as well, using a spare dish towel lying around. The ragged hole torn through his shirt is splattered with dried blood from his earlier demise. He is slumped upon the concrete floor, bloodshot eyes fixed on Rose and John, his face a healthy mix of exhaustion and annoyance. 

John raises an eyebrow. Dirk shrugs and goes back to glaring at Rose. John glances over to Rose, who has become preoccupied with picking the black polish from her nails.

JOHN: uh, rose?

ROSE: Hm?

JOHN: you can like, see this right?

JOHN: or are you guys just screwing with me?

JOHN: like what is even going on here?

ROSE: First of all, John, no.

ROSE: I can’t see whatever you so vaguely referred to.

ROSE: For future reference, please be more descriptive with your baffled quandaries. 

JOHN: what the fuck are you talking about?!

ROSE: Use your eyes John.

ROSE: Or don’t.

ROSE: I might get jealous.

John takes a good hard look at Rose. Nothing _seems_ off, but then it hits him like a comically timed freight train.

JOHN: rose! what the hell happened to your eyes!

JOHN: they’re all cloudy, it’s kind of gross, haha.

ROSE: I’m blind you insensitive bastard.

JOHN: what?????

JOHN: oh my god i’m so sorry rose that’s insane!

JOHN: but wait, how did that even-

Rose quickly brings a finger to John’s lips, silencing him.

ROSE: My dearest Johnathan. My oldest friend. Please shut your mouth for five seconds.

ROSE: I understand you may have dozens of questions rattling around in that head of yours, and you are entitled to having those questions.

ROSE: I’m not going to lie, shit’s gone sideways and if we screw up from this point on, our entire existence will crumble beneath our feet.

ROSE: Objectivity will mean nothing, and there is a good chance I could die.

ROSE: But let’s put a pin in that right now.

ROSE: I will let you ask me three questions, about anything regarding this situation, and I will answer them to the best of my ability.

ROSE: A few freebies on the house. But afterwards we need to get back on track.

JOHN: soooooooo...i can ask you anything? about anything?

ROSE: Well, I’m not sure if I could provide you with adequate lore about, say, your weird homo-romantic celebrity crushes.

JOHN: hey! >:(

ROSE: But I’d be more than happy to inform you about the current state of our fragile existences. 

JOHN: hm... 

JOHN: ok, i will take you up on your weird exposition game.

JOHN: at least so i can figure out what the hell is happening! 

JOHN: speaking of which, for my first question.

John jerks his head back towards Dirk.

JOHN: what the FUCK did you do to dirk?

JOHN: why did you kidnap him?? Does it even count as kidnapping if he’s still in his own house technically?

ROSE: So, to be clear, those are the three questions I am to be answering?

JOHN: ugh no!!

JOHN: you know what i mean!

ROSE: John, remember what I said about being specific.

JOHN: uuuuuuugh, ok ok fine, just answer the second one.

ROSE: Ah yes, the why.

ROSE: It’s because he was being an impetuous baby who couldn’t be left alone with his thoughts without shit going sideways.

JOHN: could you... elaborate on that?

ROSE: John, before I get into a monologue here, let me ask you something.

ROSE: How well versed are you on classpects?

JOHN: um.

JOHN: i have no idea what that word means.

Rose lets out a long exhale and pinches the bridge of her nose.

ROSE: Ok, that’s fine, that is perfectly ok.

ROSE: It will just make this unbelievably more difficult for me to explain.

ROSE: So you understand how you, John, are a Hero of Breath, while I have been assigned the role of a Light Player.

ROSE: Our good friend Dirk here has been given the title of a Hero of Heart.

ROSE: More specifically, a Prince of Heart. Now as a Heart Player, this could mean many different things, depending on the individuals, well let’s call it their ‘alignment’. We will come back to this, I hope you’re taking notes.

ROSE: Speaking of which, pop quiz time.

ROSE: Do you remember earlier this morning, when I was explaining how abilities have expanded considerably past their previous limits? Shedding light on different frames of reality. Think of it like a sun beam passing through a crystal ball, refracting it. Whatever the light touches, I can see.

ROSE: Now, there are many different ways to quote unquote ascend to your final form, if we’re being dramatic about it. But typically, one might see two paths, an active and passive version of achieving the same outcome. A perfect assimilation of the self.

ROSE: The first one is the more active path, essentially what it sounds like, becoming your Ultimate Self, as it were. Kind of, how can I say this?

ROSE: Absorbing your other selves? Hm, I guess that metaphor will have to do for now.

ROSE: It would best be described as taking in the essence of your doomed counterparts. Like, let’s say something went horribly wrong in some destitute timeline, Your counterpart might take the nuclear option and sort of, well, give themselves up to Alpha. Theoretically, the more timelines that fall apart, the stronger and more finessed the Alpha’s abilities would become. Once again, theoretical, it varies.

ROSE: Now, the other version of ascension would probably be described as a passive merging. All conscious counterparts, regardless of the state or outcome of their timeline, will ‘sync up’ to their Alpha’s counterpart. They will be able to share experiences in real time, or the relative concept of ‘real time’, anyhow. 

JOHN: rose, this very interesting and cinematic and all, but what’s this got to do with dirk?

JOHN: i mean, are you saying that you merged with all your doomed selves or something?

ROSE: John, please don’t interrupt. This is some top tier exposition here.

ROSE: But yes, that is essentially what happened to me. I am living vicariously through an infinite supply of Roses. And through them I have gained their accumulated wisdom and experience.

ROSE: Now, while I have taken my recent strides into the upper echelons of godhood with as much grace and humility as one can when their physical vessel is doing everything it can to not drop dead on the ground and accept the sweet embrace of death, others have decided to be a bit more conspicuous about the process. 

ROSE: Enter Dirk, stage right.

ROSE: Now, where my assimilation trajectory was more perspective and knowledge based, given my aspect, Dirk’s would be more along the lines of the sense of self.

ROSE: Your soul, as it were. Your Inner Self.

ROSE: So as I gain a more objective perspective on our vast and infinitely expanding universe, he gains a more objective perspective of the self.

ROSE: And that would be fine, if that were the case.

ROSE: As it stands right now, he does not hold an objective mastery over all forms of the self. If he did, we wouldn’t be here. He would be in fucking therapy, talking about his emotions like an adult.

ROSE: He does not gain an objective perspective, as a Seer might. His role as a Prince has landed him right smack dab in the middle of the ‘deconstruction’ category, or more callously the ‘destroyer’, although it isn't fair to reduce it to such a gross oversimplification.

ROSE: Simply put, Dirk destroys the self, which can be accomplished in many different ways besides the obvious, such as blatant manipulation.

Her face turns up in a little sneer as she speaks. The disdain is palpable.

ROSE: Now the Inner Self can also be loosely defined in many different ways, like personality or identity, to a point where it could just be substituted for subjective objectivity. How one views oneself. But that begs the question, which is the True Self? The version you subjectively view yourself as, or the version you objectively are? With Dirk’s mastery of his class, he could basically ‘destroy’ or ‘deconstruct’ your True Self, revealing its objective nature.

ROSE: With that in mind, we can now make the ascended classpect Prince of Heart essentially translate to ‘destruction of subjectivity of the self’ or simply ‘destruction of subjectivity.’

ROSE: Unfortunately, the entire nature of existence will always be shrouded in subjectivity, in one form or another, and even more unfortunately for my sanity, Dirk has now taken it upon himself to be judge, jury, and executioner for an entire plane of existence.

ROSE: Remember what I said, about our state of existence being outside of canon, but not directly *not* canon, and therefore the distiction doesn’t really fucking matter because we all still exist, in an objective manner?

ROSE: Apparently Dirk doesn’t agree with this simple fact, which, once again, would have been fine, I’m all for philosophical debates on the nature of being, if had not taken this information and decided to doom multiple timelines because of it.

JOHN: holy shit he did what? when would that even happen?

ROSE: The when isn’t important John, time is one of the very subjective things that has little to no meaning when being used in conjunction with The Big Picture.

ROSE: Once again, this is all a serious simplification, most likely oversimplified to the point where it comes off more like a Black vs White, Good vs Evil thing, when that really isn’t the case at all.

ROSE: It’s less ‘Dirk is the Bad Guy’ and more ‘He is currently one of, though not The, biggest pains in the universe’s ass from an objective point of view.’

ROSE: Let’s just say it will, is, and already has happened. I am experiencing and remembering it as we speak, through other Roses. Kind of a nice little heads up for me, to be honest.

ROSE: So, to summarize, Dirk is in timeout because he cannot handle the subjectivity of existence and views his fixed biased opinion on the nature of reality as word of God.

ROSE: Did you get all that?

John again attempts to grasp the verbal sledgehammer that has just been lobbed at his skull, and once again fails with flying colors. That sure was a lot of words about subjectivity and perspective and shit. Who even spends their time thinking about that junk? But all of this seems really important to Rose, who awaits patiently for John’s answer.

JOHN: so... 

JOHN: what you’re saying is.

JOHN: is.

JOHN: wait, shit, i just had it.

ROSE: Take your time.

JOHN: urgh!!! stop being all smug about this!

JOHN: rose, i don’t really know what you’re saying!

JOHN: all of this is so confusing and convoluted! i kind of thought i could finally put all your weird, and frankly kind of ominous ramblings behind me. 

JOHN: but then life is all like nope! you have to deal with the end of the world again, IDIOT.

JOHN: oh, you thought you could try and cope with all your dumb bittersweet feelings about ending the world and making a new one? well SCREW YOU, wise guy!

JOHN: i mean, why am i even here?

JOHN: this is the reason i don’t leave my house rose! because every time i turn around i have to deal with shit like this!

John pauses for a moment to point at Dirk. He looks slightly offended.

ROSE: If you’re making some sort of dramatic gesture, you might want to consider adding commentary.

JOHN: oh fuck, right.

JOHN: i’m pointing at dirk really dramatically! he looks really offended!

ROSE: Ah, thank you.

ROSE: And just so you know, your concerns are perfectly valid.

ROSE: You might be surprised by this, but I can sympathize with your feelings about all this.

ROSE: I might have a slight tendency towards the over-dramatic, but this sort of stuff is still exhausting for me too.

ROSE: I’m actually really sick of this shit.

JOHN: so, if you’re sick of this, and i’m sick of this... 

JOHN: then what are we doing here?

ROSE: Well, John, that depends.

ROSE: Is that your second question?

JOHN: huh?

ROSE: John, we are still in the middle of our game.

ROSE: Unless you would like me to blow the Officially Recognized Sports Whistle™ and pause?

JOHN: no no i think... 

JOHN: yeah that’s my second question. what do you or i or anyone really have to do with all this? 

At this, Rose takes a deep breath and shuts her eyes. There is no breeze brushing gently by, no rustling trees or startled birds. The day has gone still.

ROSE: John.

ROSE: Our very universe sits teetering upon a precipice. Whether we like it or not, it will fall one way or another.

ROSE: I would like to help push it in the right direction. For the people I love.

ROSE: Well, right being relative, there is no ‘incorrect’ way to exist, but you get my point.

ROSE: John, I respect you, so you have every right to just go home right now. I just need you to hear this.

She takes a step forward, cupping her friend's face in her hands. They tremble slightly.

ROSE: There is literally no wrong way to be yourself. Every choice you make is a collection of thousands upon millions upon billions. All you can ever realistically hope for is to better yourself.

ROSE: You are ok.

JOHN: ... 

JOHN: i’m ok.

ROSE: John, do not start crying. That would be weird.

JOHN: i’m not crying!

John’s glasses began to fog up. He quickly snatches them off his face and wipes them down with the edge of his shirt. He clears his throat.

JOHN: rose, i want to help you.

JOHN: but i think i... can’t?

JOHN: i don’t think i can handle one more convoluted plot or scheme or some other bullshit like that! 

JOHN: i think i’d just like some time to, i don’t know...

JOHN: figure my shit out?

Before John can even finish his declaration Rose’s face splits into a wide smile.

ROSE: And that’s fine, John!

ROSE: Reassuring, really.

ROSE: You do what you feel needs to be done, and I’ll do the same.

ROSE: There’s a cup of coffee on the counter, I suggest you drink it. Your breath kind of stinks.

JOHN: gee thanks, i’m so flattered. :P

ROSE: Don’t pout.

ROSE: Now, I have some business to attend to which requires the utmost of precise timing, so I need to borrow some of your time for just a moment longer to watch him. 

ROSE: Do you want to get your last question out of the way?

JOHN: uh, no?

JOHN: i'll hold onto it for now. plenty of time for me to be an idiot in the future!

Rose nods her head at John, satisfied. She makes her way to the back of the house where Dirk’s bathroom is, locking the door behind her.

John makes his way over to Dirk and pops a squat on the ground next to him.

JOHN: soooooooo... 

JOHN: what’s new with you?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading, youre all wonderful, its been great being your host. dont forget to like comment and subscribe or something along those lines and ill see you anywhere between a few weeks and a few months


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